It was so perfect, so sweet and definitely significant; it certainly qualifies as a moment, though it was for a span of a several hours. It has been a long hard week - full of personal soul searching, figuring of boundaries, appearingly astronomical challenges and an overall feeling of sheer struggle. But making it to today, the simple fact of surviving this week, made it all worth the fight. As I made it to the end and wrapped myself up in after glow I felt perfectly accomplished. No I am not perfect, Yes I made plenty of stupid mistakes this week (some of which I am still doing damage control with...) And yes my life is far from ideal. However, all Stress, worries, fears and rambling cares vanished as I relaxed in the "long" moment of this afternoon. It was amazing... <3
Friday, November 9, 2012
Moments
Moments - you know that time of absolute bliss. Often when I hear the word moment I think of something short, sweet and significant. But today a moment challenged that concept - well it challenged the time restraint on it. You see, I had one of the best afternoons ever, a truly memorable moment, doing what some would consider absolutely nothing.
It was so perfect, so sweet and definitely significant; it certainly qualifies as a moment, though it was for a span of a several hours. It has been a long hard week - full of personal soul searching, figuring of boundaries, appearingly astronomical challenges and an overall feeling of sheer struggle. But making it to today, the simple fact of surviving this week, made it all worth the fight. As I made it to the end and wrapped myself up in after glow I felt perfectly accomplished. No I am not perfect, Yes I made plenty of stupid mistakes this week (some of which I am still doing damage control with...) And yes my life is far from ideal. However, all Stress, worries, fears and rambling cares vanished as I relaxed in the "long" moment of this afternoon. It was amazing... <3
It was so perfect, so sweet and definitely significant; it certainly qualifies as a moment, though it was for a span of a several hours. It has been a long hard week - full of personal soul searching, figuring of boundaries, appearingly astronomical challenges and an overall feeling of sheer struggle. But making it to today, the simple fact of surviving this week, made it all worth the fight. As I made it to the end and wrapped myself up in after glow I felt perfectly accomplished. No I am not perfect, Yes I made plenty of stupid mistakes this week (some of which I am still doing damage control with...) And yes my life is far from ideal. However, all Stress, worries, fears and rambling cares vanished as I relaxed in the "long" moment of this afternoon. It was amazing... <3
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Psych ( a flash back)
So I found this drafted post from last semester sometime, I think it still has a significant amount of relevance - perhaps even more now then it did then... anyways a flash back to Developmental Psych.... (PS - I did good on this test)
Review.
There are three parts in the triangle of a relationship - Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment.
The goal is to have all three in an equal balance. any other combination = disaster.
Life isn't about finding the "other half" of the scissor - rather its about finding someone who will cut the same direction as you. In other words find some one that you WANT to be with - not because you HAVE to (ie no dependent or co dependent Relations) - this way both people can serve each other in a balanced cycle instead of the typical draining one.
My brain is fried. silly test tomorrow... Good night.
I believed in studying just because I knew education was a privilege. It was the discipline of study, to get into the habit of doing something that you don't want to do.
Wynton Marsalis
Review.
There are three parts in the triangle of a relationship - Intimacy, Passion, and Commitment.
The goal is to have all three in an equal balance. any other combination = disaster.
Life isn't about finding the "other half" of the scissor - rather its about finding someone who will cut the same direction as you. In other words find some one that you WANT to be with - not because you HAVE to (ie no dependent or co dependent Relations) - this way both people can serve each other in a balanced cycle instead of the typical draining one.
My brain is fried. silly test tomorrow... Good night.
I believed in studying just because I knew education was a privilege. It was the discipline of study, to get into the habit of doing something that you don't want to do.
Wynton Marsalis
Monday, October 15, 2012
Flying
Wow so Life has taken off as such and incredible rate - I thought I was busy before - but now I think I am realizing that life has a funny way of pushing me further and faster than I considered possible. Classes, Work, Life, Love, Climbing, Cleaning, Canoeing, Studying, Reading, Writing, Trying to learn the little Lessons, Creative Problem solving - and somehow keep everything balanced has been quite the task but not impossible, and in some ways I have really thrived under the challenge.
Amidst this final rush to midterms the beauty outside has been awesome - watching the leaves shift their colors and the sunrise and sunsets and the beauty of Fall in general has been distracting to say the least. It gives me perfect reason to pause in the middle of my rat race life and breathe...
But the real beauty of this last month has not been in the rapid pace - nor solely in the beauty of fall, but rather the fact that I have had someone to run through it all with. :) Yeah its been busy and the beauty is amazing but the idea of having someone to both work through the challenges and enjoy the sunsets with has been amazing. I know I probably sound honeymoon ish and unrealistically romantic but its true. Lol anyways... While this has not been anything like i imagined (much better), it has also had a bit of a learning curve and I'm really enjoying it. :) lol anyways I should probably stop gushing and get back to my Homework and never ending to do list... suffice it to say I am Happy and busy :) (but very happy)
I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.
John Burroughs
Amidst this final rush to midterms the beauty outside has been awesome - watching the leaves shift their colors and the sunrise and sunsets and the beauty of Fall in general has been distracting to say the least. It gives me perfect reason to pause in the middle of my rat race life and breathe...
But the real beauty of this last month has not been in the rapid pace - nor solely in the beauty of fall, but rather the fact that I have had someone to run through it all with. :) Yeah its been busy and the beauty is amazing but the idea of having someone to both work through the challenges and enjoy the sunsets with has been amazing. I know I probably sound honeymoon ish and unrealistically romantic but its true. Lol anyways... While this has not been anything like i imagined (much better), it has also had a bit of a learning curve and I'm really enjoying it. :) lol anyways I should probably stop gushing and get back to my Homework and never ending to do list... suffice it to say I am Happy and busy :) (but very happy)
I still find each day too short for all the thoughts I want to think, all the walks I want to take, all the books I want to read, and all the friends I want to see.
John Burroughs
Saturday, September 29, 2012
Being in the Rain
Have you ever danced in the rain? It's amazing, just spinning around outside as the water droplets cascade around you. Last night I got to do just that in my Friday night walk (tradition i have had since my freshman year). As I talked to my Father (in heaven) about both the joys and the hard parts of the week, about my fears and my excitement of future plans, and pretty much every other topic, I heard a storm approaching...
I had actually almost finished my regular loop but decided that a few more minutes (well it turned into almost 40) wouldn't hurt, so I found a bench and waited.
I enjoy storms and siting there made me super happy however the approaching storm had varying effects on the others (mainly couples) who were now scampering like rabbits or shelter. Being at the opposite End if campus from the dorms probably added to their distress as they tried to dodge the raindrops and find cover.
Some if them while passin gave a weird look - lone girl, sitting on a bench with approaching storm - yeah I can see why they thought it odd. But the key here is in the perspective.
I realized a storm was coming before I even went on my walk, and purposely slowed down to get "caught" in it, on the other hand they probably (just guessing) were a bit caught up in their companion for the evening, didn't notice re storm and certainly were not trying to get caught up in all.
In life, we don't pick our storms but we do choose our reactions. While the storms if life are sometimes hurricane size and far from this little thunderstorm last night, I can choose to embrace them as well and grow, or to run from them, expending copious amounts of energy and yet still get wet. While I don't believe that God causes bad things to happen, I do believe that He can/ wants to use everything (good and bad) to His greater purpose and plan - My job is to simply weather it out, and trust Him to get me through.
I had actually almost finished my regular loop but decided that a few more minutes (well it turned into almost 40) wouldn't hurt, so I found a bench and waited.
I enjoy storms and siting there made me super happy however the approaching storm had varying effects on the others (mainly couples) who were now scampering like rabbits or shelter. Being at the opposite End if campus from the dorms probably added to their distress as they tried to dodge the raindrops and find cover.
Some if them while passin gave a weird look - lone girl, sitting on a bench with approaching storm - yeah I can see why they thought it odd. But the key here is in the perspective.
I realized a storm was coming before I even went on my walk, and purposely slowed down to get "caught" in it, on the other hand they probably (just guessing) were a bit caught up in their companion for the evening, didn't notice re storm and certainly were not trying to get caught up in all.
In life, we don't pick our storms but we do choose our reactions. While the storms if life are sometimes hurricane size and far from this little thunderstorm last night, I can choose to embrace them as well and grow, or to run from them, expending copious amounts of energy and yet still get wet. While I don't believe that God causes bad things to happen, I do believe that He can/ wants to use everything (good and bad) to His greater purpose and plan - My job is to simply weather it out, and trust Him to get me through.
Tuesday, September 18, 2012
Fragile gifts
So... I am officially in my first relationship - lol it's amazing- haha I will write out sometime how of this came to be -but for now I am a bit too preoccupied living it :)
However - my First thoughts / impressions are pretty much just my own personal realizing of how fragile this stuff really is - I always advocated that the matters of the heart are the most fragile and precious of all and have tried to live my life guarding not only my heart but respecting others as well- and I still believe that whole heartedly but now I believe it with even more emphasis. I am thrilled with this responsibility I have now of protecting his heart and yet sobered by the reality of this fragile gift - anyways its super epic and just at the start. And I am thrilled
The best part (ok one of many "bests") is that I know my heavenly Father is keeping an eye on both of us and that His plan is so incredibly amazing and while i don't know what the future holds - I know my Father holds it and He has our best interest in mind :)
"The greatest want of all the world is to love and be loved" - unknown :)
However - my First thoughts / impressions are pretty much just my own personal realizing of how fragile this stuff really is - I always advocated that the matters of the heart are the most fragile and precious of all and have tried to live my life guarding not only my heart but respecting others as well- and I still believe that whole heartedly but now I believe it with even more emphasis. I am thrilled with this responsibility I have now of protecting his heart and yet sobered by the reality of this fragile gift - anyways its super epic and just at the start. And I am thrilled
The best part (ok one of many "bests") is that I know my heavenly Father is keeping an eye on both of us and that His plan is so incredibly amazing and while i don't know what the future holds - I know my Father holds it and He has our best interest in mind :)
"The greatest want of all the world is to love and be loved" - unknown :)
Friday, August 31, 2012
Adventures and such
Sooo it has been awhile - I was computer-less and Internet-less for a while but the good news is that it wasn't time wasted. I have has multiple Epic adventures and yeah wow... where to start? School is back in session as of yesterday, I have my amazing roommate back - Annalisa -, One of my best friends from Childhood is here doing the SALT program (EPIC), I have been taking some amazing walks in the cool of evening, I got to have one more trip to Florida this last weekend, and yeah I am really enjoying my classes (well all except the math related ones - bleh) ... lol that's it in a nut shell i suppose - i have a couple rough drafts floating in my head that i will have to type out later as I really should be going... Anyways just busy days of this life :D
Sunday, August 19, 2012
Simple day
Ever had One of those days where while nothing was particularly special and yet it was simply outstanding ? Yeah that was my day today :) book reading nature walking and great company :) perfect.
Wednesday, August 8, 2012
Work
So currently I am employed at Southern Adventist Universality in the Service deparment (fancy for Janitorial work) Its not the grandest job in the world I will admit, however I do enjoy it there - plenty of alone think time and satisfaction at seeing something actually get acomplished/being able to track my progress are just some of the benefits of working to keep the campus looking sparkly :) Some days can be monotonous as toilets and carpets become a blur but the ever changing factor is the people I get to briefly interact with throughout the day.
Often I'm completely invisible, and sometimes someone takes time to really make my day and just say a few kind words. other times people are just humorous with their responses to the realization of a service department worker- such as one occupant using the facilitates of the men's bathroom, urgently informing me that he was "fine" when I knocked and announced "service" before entering to clean. lol I'm glad he was fine, and it is a much better and less awkward response than indifferent silence. And yes as with any encounters with humans in general., sometimes people are just rude.
I was simply scouting a foyer area of a building that I was assigned - simple job really, check trash and examine floor to determine if it is requiring the special attention of the vacuum - it did, and so I busyied myself with getting my roaring rover out of the closet and plugging it in. However just as I was poised to click the noisy thing into action I noticed an office off to the side with the door wide open. Realizing that the machine I was about to unleash to attack the floor with might cause a disturbance I paused and walked over to the door way. As I walked up I noted that the occupant was busy at her desk - focused on her computer screen, intently reading some very important information I'm sure, I stood patiently for about 30 seconds.
"Excuse me mam'", I finally ventured as I saw no body language acknowledging my presences.
Her response? A single finger held up to silence me as she continued her important reading. Time carried on and as I watched the clock on the wall tick on her finger stayed there hovering in contempt, forbidding me to speak a word or continue on with my work. I was vexed but calmed myself with cliche "good things come to those who wait", well not in this instance at least.
I observed her office as I stood there in the stifling silence, books papers piled on both table and desk. specks of unidentified substances on the carpet, and a comfy looking blue couch.
"Fairly average" I mused as I turned my attention to the one with her finger raised.
Grandmother age, clearly focused on her work. Loose, more comfortable yet not shabby looking clothing, glasses, a wrincling brow (assuming that is from being possibly a little too focused at times) Nothing usual, except for that glaring finger of silence.
"Yes?" she finally responded as she lowered her finger and finally looked at me.
"I was just wondering if you would mind if I shut your door here while I vaccuume this hall way area" I say with a slight smile - glad that my "time out" was done and hoping to get back to my work and never ending to do list.
"Why would that be necessary? " she archly replied.
"If you didn't like me saying two words, I doubt you will appreciate the constant yell of my machine" I rationalize to myself as I respond dryly
"Well mam it is only necessary if you mind the noise"
She fretfully glaces at her computer screen and then at her phone, then at the floor.
"Well" she replies "actually if you could do a quick sweep in here too I wont mind the noise"
I fume. Most departments have their own community vacuum so that those with an office can do their own, cleaning her floor was not my job and in all honesty I did NOT want to do it and yet I evenly responded with a "yes mam" and proceeded on my way. Grabbing my vacuum I decided to do hers first - eat the frog and move on. As I did my quick sweep I read body language of disdain and uneasiness from her as she sat at her desk.
"Could you get under the couch?" she pointed asked.
I responded with a through crossing of the area, and started to back out, being more than ready to move on.
"humph" She mumbled "I wonder why that speck won't come up - I watched you cross over it"
"It's paint" I respond as i scratch over it with my fingernail.
"Oh that explains it" She sighs as she turns back to her computer and I make my escape to begin the task I had attempted to start 7 minutes ago.
"Thank you" She mumbles as I finish my vacuuming and leave the premises.
"No problem" I reply out of knee jerk habit as I sigh and count my blessing of not having to repeat this episode on a daily basis.
Now this is just one story - that really in hindsight seems a bit humorous to me... She gained nothing by being less than nice and I didn't loose that much time - just an average activity at my summer employment this year. However not everyone is like this lady, that same day as I was vacuuming another area a kind gentleman came up to me. Sensing that he wanted to say something I silenced my laboring "beast" and studied him has hair that is white as snow and big Carl Fredricksen like glasses framing his smiling blue eyes. He seems to always wear a smile, and has the winkles around the corners of his eyes to show for it.
"Thank you so much for making the world more beautiful" he cheerfully exclaims as he continues on his way.
I flash him a bright smile and mouth the words "thank you" as I continue on with my "beautifying" work.
Its the small moments like such that keep me going - Words are so powerful - while the censured ones can hurt and are irritating at times - its the kind ones that really have the power. I am still smiling and my heart is still warmed by his few words of encouragement - and at the same time I find my self challenged to "pay it forward" and help someone else along in their day.
Often I'm completely invisible, and sometimes someone takes time to really make my day and just say a few kind words. other times people are just humorous with their responses to the realization of a service department worker- such as one occupant using the facilitates of the men's bathroom, urgently informing me that he was "fine" when I knocked and announced "service" before entering to clean. lol I'm glad he was fine, and it is a much better and less awkward response than indifferent silence. And yes as with any encounters with humans in general., sometimes people are just rude.
I was simply scouting a foyer area of a building that I was assigned - simple job really, check trash and examine floor to determine if it is requiring the special attention of the vacuum - it did, and so I busyied myself with getting my roaring rover out of the closet and plugging it in. However just as I was poised to click the noisy thing into action I noticed an office off to the side with the door wide open. Realizing that the machine I was about to unleash to attack the floor with might cause a disturbance I paused and walked over to the door way. As I walked up I noted that the occupant was busy at her desk - focused on her computer screen, intently reading some very important information I'm sure, I stood patiently for about 30 seconds.
"Excuse me mam'", I finally ventured as I saw no body language acknowledging my presences.
Her response? A single finger held up to silence me as she continued her important reading. Time carried on and as I watched the clock on the wall tick on her finger stayed there hovering in contempt, forbidding me to speak a word or continue on with my work. I was vexed but calmed myself with cliche "good things come to those who wait", well not in this instance at least.
I observed her office as I stood there in the stifling silence, books papers piled on both table and desk. specks of unidentified substances on the carpet, and a comfy looking blue couch.
"Fairly average" I mused as I turned my attention to the one with her finger raised.
Grandmother age, clearly focused on her work. Loose, more comfortable yet not shabby looking clothing, glasses, a wrincling brow (assuming that is from being possibly a little too focused at times) Nothing usual, except for that glaring finger of silence.
"Yes?" she finally responded as she lowered her finger and finally looked at me.
"I was just wondering if you would mind if I shut your door here while I vaccuume this hall way area" I say with a slight smile - glad that my "time out" was done and hoping to get back to my work and never ending to do list.
"Why would that be necessary? " she archly replied.
"If you didn't like me saying two words, I doubt you will appreciate the constant yell of my machine" I rationalize to myself as I respond dryly
"Well mam it is only necessary if you mind the noise"
She fretfully glaces at her computer screen and then at her phone, then at the floor.
"Well" she replies "actually if you could do a quick sweep in here too I wont mind the noise"
I fume. Most departments have their own community vacuum so that those with an office can do their own, cleaning her floor was not my job and in all honesty I did NOT want to do it and yet I evenly responded with a "yes mam" and proceeded on my way. Grabbing my vacuum I decided to do hers first - eat the frog and move on. As I did my quick sweep I read body language of disdain and uneasiness from her as she sat at her desk.
"Could you get under the couch?" she pointed asked.
I responded with a through crossing of the area, and started to back out, being more than ready to move on.
"humph" She mumbled "I wonder why that speck won't come up - I watched you cross over it"
"It's paint" I respond as i scratch over it with my fingernail.
"Oh that explains it" She sighs as she turns back to her computer and I make my escape to begin the task I had attempted to start 7 minutes ago.
"Thank you" She mumbles as I finish my vacuuming and leave the premises.
"No problem" I reply out of knee jerk habit as I sigh and count my blessing of not having to repeat this episode on a daily basis.
Now this is just one story - that really in hindsight seems a bit humorous to me... She gained nothing by being less than nice and I didn't loose that much time - just an average activity at my summer employment this year. However not everyone is like this lady, that same day as I was vacuuming another area a kind gentleman came up to me. Sensing that he wanted to say something I silenced my laboring "beast" and studied him has hair that is white as snow and big Carl Fredricksen like glasses framing his smiling blue eyes. He seems to always wear a smile, and has the winkles around the corners of his eyes to show for it.
"Thank you so much for making the world more beautiful" he cheerfully exclaims as he continues on his way.
I flash him a bright smile and mouth the words "thank you" as I continue on with my "beautifying" work.
Its the small moments like such that keep me going - Words are so powerful - while the censured ones can hurt and are irritating at times - its the kind ones that really have the power. I am still smiling and my heart is still warmed by his few words of encouragement - and at the same time I find my self challenged to "pay it forward" and help someone else along in their day.
We make a living by what we get, we make a life by what we give.- Sir Winston Churchill
Tuesday, July 31, 2012
One day more...
I don't tend to like the day before my birthday... why? because i find myself reflecting and thinking - nothing wrong with that really, but it does seem to put me in more of serious mood. Pondering over my choices, remembering my adventures, and dreaming of what is just around the bend, are pretty much the tasks of my mind every July 31st. Today's thinking order is extra large because I find myself not only reflecting on this last year, but rather on the last 6 years of teen life. Some things, I am proud of - others? well... Biggest room in the world is the room for improvement (or so my dad always says)...
"Living a teenage dream" - mmm well, some of it was a dream I suppose, first love (errr more of a "like" but I was naive enough to think it was love and reality is really only perspective...), mission trips, Graduating from Highschool, surviving 2 years of College, making memories with wonderful friends and super epic adventures galore.
Other parts are more nightmare ish, moving out, stress of balancing (well attempting to balance), 7:30 Gen. Chemistry class, Adventures gone wrong, broken heart, missed opportunities, and lonely/ lost days.
Some Adventures? getting lost in National forests - Canvassing - Caving - Rock climbing - Getting lost in a foreign country (several in fact)- attacked by Yellow Jackets - Car chaos - Skiing- Backpacking - Siblings (taking care of them (BEST pregnacy prevention ever) and then having lots of fun with them as well) - exploring my past, well more of reacquainting with it, and scheming my future...
One candle on the water through these years has been my Heavenly Father. I started out my teenage years with a mission trip to Dominican Republic - Changed my life and really helped set the tone for most of the teen years... Service - what a beautiful concept - one gets to reach out and help others, while simultaneously applying a soothing balm to ones own scars/hurts... I cant say I have been perfect in my relationship with Him (far FAR from it really) but I can say with confidence that I KNOW he has been perfect in dealing with my hormone driven moods and at times serious ill temperament toward Him and life in general at times... Through it all he has patiently watched me grow and tenderly worked on healing the pain - still a long journey ahead but at least now I can look back and start to understand some of the past as we carry on to the Future...
Cheers for a day of reflection...
Tomorrow - while it is significant it is probably not all that its hyped up to be. Yeah I will be 20, but in reality I will just still be me...
"Living a teenage dream" - mmm well, some of it was a dream I suppose, first love (errr more of a "like" but I was naive enough to think it was love and reality is really only perspective...), mission trips, Graduating from Highschool, surviving 2 years of College, making memories with wonderful friends and super epic adventures galore.
Other parts are more nightmare ish, moving out, stress of balancing (well attempting to balance), 7:30 Gen. Chemistry class, Adventures gone wrong, broken heart, missed opportunities, and lonely/ lost days.
Some Adventures? getting lost in National forests - Canvassing - Caving - Rock climbing - Getting lost in a foreign country (several in fact)- attacked by Yellow Jackets - Car chaos - Skiing- Backpacking - Siblings (taking care of them (BEST pregnacy prevention ever) and then having lots of fun with them as well) - exploring my past, well more of reacquainting with it, and scheming my future...
One candle on the water through these years has been my Heavenly Father. I started out my teenage years with a mission trip to Dominican Republic - Changed my life and really helped set the tone for most of the teen years... Service - what a beautiful concept - one gets to reach out and help others, while simultaneously applying a soothing balm to ones own scars/hurts... I cant say I have been perfect in my relationship with Him (far FAR from it really) but I can say with confidence that I KNOW he has been perfect in dealing with my hormone driven moods and at times serious ill temperament toward Him and life in general at times... Through it all he has patiently watched me grow and tenderly worked on healing the pain - still a long journey ahead but at least now I can look back and start to understand some of the past as we carry on to the Future...
Cheers for a day of reflection...
Tomorrow - while it is significant it is probably not all that its hyped up to be. Yeah I will be 20, but in reality I will just still be me...
Monday, July 9, 2012
Benjamin
So it's vbs week - a time to put on epic free babysitting and hopefully plant some little seeds about Gods love for each child - ahhh They are so cute and really plant more seeds in my heart than I can ever hope to put in theirs ... Anyways I will post more pics and stories as time allows :)
Ps my lil "tribe " is the tribe of Benjamin :)
Ps my lil "tribe " is the tribe of Benjamin :)
Sunday, July 8, 2012
Dq
So today was pretty bland - bit I did manage to fod 4.25 in coins in my car and buy ice team at dairy queen - chocolate chip cookie dough of course :) it was yummy... Also it was fun to sit outside and count blue cars as I ate it (17 blue cars) lol random but fun...
Saturday, July 7, 2012
Daze of my life
So I have 23 more days until I am no longer a teenager - as you can tell I have not bee faithful in writing on here much because of various distractions *ahem* anyways I will already try to post pictures of the next few weeks with a brief note... Adventure awaits !!
"a picture is worth a thousand words "
"a picture is worth a thousand words "
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
Defense
Sorry i have been so spotty on writing on here. Another writing eperiment has taken up my time and while I suppose I could copy those notes over to here with some minor adjustments - meh - its to much work lol.
Anyways the newest thing in my life has been a short Self Defense class offered here at the University - its Free (the college students favorite 4 letter word starting with F) and has been really beneficial to my cofidence level. I use to take risks - do stupid things - with a facade of cofidence that would make some friends shudder - Now I can more confidently step in and take risks - with knowledge of how to defend myself if the situation arose... its pretty epic lol. (Although that is not to say I shouldn't be counting my costs a bit more and yes in all honestly being a little bit more careful in my daily life *Ahem* but that is a topic for another day)
Moving on. . .
Work has been good - its nice to be feeling better and thus working all 8 hours as planned. It can get a bit boring but for the most part I don't seem to run out of things to think about - debate for today was - "what makes a villain into a villain ?" Why is the "bad guy" bad ? - didn't come to any major conculsions - beyond the fact is if you refuse to look at any situation from any angle but your own, you are setting yourself up to possibly be on unstable ground. - I guess the main characteristic I found in the "bad guys" (from kids movies, stories and history) is this intense drive to do something self-gratifying (ruling the world, getting personal revenge etc) with an intense dedication level/stubbornness - which almost always led to their demise. Now then I know that the bad guys are bad etc, but in all honestly I did have to cede one point - they were in most cases more sure about their hair brained and wicked ideas than the good guys were about their sane, and safe plans - the bad guys for some reason always have a macho confidence level that most "heroes" seem to lack.
One of my Favorite Authors is Victor Hugo - In both of his more famous works, Les Miserables and Hunchback of Notre Dame - He really takes time to flesh out the "bad guy" as a reader and self appointed Critic - I LOVE IT - I find myself caring as much about his "bad guy" characters and their journey (which still ends traditionally in most cases) as I care about the "heroes" journey.
Anyways... I will spare you my ramblings of examples and counter examples - but it is sufficient to say that my thoughts at work were an interesting debating and sorting out of this random topic.
Anyways the newest thing in my life has been a short Self Defense class offered here at the University - its Free (the college students favorite 4 letter word starting with F) and has been really beneficial to my cofidence level. I use to take risks - do stupid things - with a facade of cofidence that would make some friends shudder - Now I can more confidently step in and take risks - with knowledge of how to defend myself if the situation arose... its pretty epic lol. (Although that is not to say I shouldn't be counting my costs a bit more and yes in all honestly being a little bit more careful in my daily life *Ahem* but that is a topic for another day)
Moving on. . .
Work has been good - its nice to be feeling better and thus working all 8 hours as planned. It can get a bit boring but for the most part I don't seem to run out of things to think about - debate for today was - "what makes a villain into a villain ?" Why is the "bad guy" bad ? - didn't come to any major conculsions - beyond the fact is if you refuse to look at any situation from any angle but your own, you are setting yourself up to possibly be on unstable ground. - I guess the main characteristic I found in the "bad guys" (from kids movies, stories and history) is this intense drive to do something self-gratifying (ruling the world, getting personal revenge etc) with an intense dedication level/stubbornness - which almost always led to their demise. Now then I know that the bad guys are bad etc, but in all honestly I did have to cede one point - they were in most cases more sure about their hair brained and wicked ideas than the good guys were about their sane, and safe plans - the bad guys for some reason always have a macho confidence level that most "heroes" seem to lack.
One of my Favorite Authors is Victor Hugo - In both of his more famous works, Les Miserables and Hunchback of Notre Dame - He really takes time to flesh out the "bad guy" as a reader and self appointed Critic - I LOVE IT - I find myself caring as much about his "bad guy" characters and their journey (which still ends traditionally in most cases) as I care about the "heroes" journey.
Anyways... I will spare you my ramblings of examples and counter examples - but it is sufficient to say that my thoughts at work were an interesting debating and sorting out of this random topic.
Bad guys don't think they're bad guys. Hitler probably thought he was a wonderful guy doing some wonderful and righteous work for Germany. --- Martin Landau
Sunday, June 24, 2012
Lesson Learned?
So coming home from travels is exhausting enough - re entering a culture and readjusting to "this life" is interesting... its more interesting when one is sick - though not recommended.
One question though that I have gotten from sever people is "have you learned your lesson??"
Learned my lesson? Hmmm Well... here is what I have learned...
1. I love traveling
2. I love serving others especially those in need.
3. God is my rock (and He is the same here as He is anywhere else)
4. If God leads me to travel more and to Share him (through various ways) I will.
5. Getting is yes a risk - and not a fun experience, however if in life we never took risks we really would have much a life to start out with.
And so Yes - i have learned my lesson - Keep moving Forward - Follow His lead, and step out, even when I don't know where my next stepping stone is. - this lesson is one I hope to implement more fully into my craZy life :)
I like adventure.
Marc Garneau
Culture
Been back in America for a bit now - I should be re assimilated - but possibly due to all the sickness and quarantine time - i'm not.
Went to the mall today... almost as noisy as an African market- but a totally different tone. I was with some new friends who have been out in the mission field as well - they have fully assimilated and yet talk still with that far away reflection of their other homes. It was comforting to see those reflections and refreshing to hear their stories and share some of my own. Admits the chaos of shoppers shopping, children whining, and teenagers "chilling", three friends were able to sit and talk of time past. lol I guess I am just a bit nostalgic and probably a bit odd to be treasuring these moments - yet I rationalize that if don't treasure the beauty of today - what hope have I for tomorrow?
And on another note - yes - I'm young - yes I have lots of time and years to go before I should be so serious about life (echoing what counsels have been offered) - but yet I shake my head in slight disagreement - If I am not serious about my tomorrow - who will be? And so I feel caught in this drag and push culture one where I am expected to be completely prepared and yet not be so serious and "live life". I know I march to my own drum - I know the rhythmic pattern is "off" and different from the droning beat of society and yet somehow I find a way to walk my own path. God help me. I think I am starting to get a glimpse of what I want to be - and where I want to go - but its gonna be a long journey ahead of me :P
Anyways random ramblings the conclusion being Life Goes on :)
That which does not kill us makes us stronger.
Friedrich Nietzsche
Friedrich Nietzsche
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Sick
So yeah I'm sick still it's been interesting to say the least ... Went to Er today just to run through a gantlet of texts -- found out I have a uti/ kidney infection, eye infection and allergy/ sinus infection. More tests are still being run on my blood and so I guess I will know if anything else goes haywire lol
"Life is either an adventure or it's nothing." - Hellen Keller
"Life is either an adventure or it's nothing." - Hellen Keller
Monday, June 11, 2012
Temperatures and Tempests
So yeah I'm sick...
When i went to Africa i got sick - but then Got better (praise the LORD) as my body readjusted - now that I'm back at home i think its going through the process again - Best solution? Go back to Africa - practical solution - Grin and bear it...
I live a fairly fast paced lifestyle - i enjoy being active and involved - but when i get sick its like all time slows to a crawl - when simple movements become a marathon i'll admit i loose heart...
I lost pretty much all motivation this morning - feeding the dogs, and getting to work while sick was not at the top of my list - add in the pouring rain making rivers all over the place and bed was looking especially inviting...well for better or worse i went to work - I need to work but what to do when physically my body inst up to it? oh the decisions of young adulthood...and of responsibility in general
So needless to say I was feeling pretty down and out - no spring in my step and smiling required too much effort... i was beyond dragging... I talked with my heavenly Father - complaining mainly and begging for some help. He sent it - but not in the way i expected.
I was trying to focus the bit of energy i had into scrubbing a particularly stained sink when my phone buzzed - "new message from ----" - I smiled as i read the first words "Find a gleam in every day"- familiar words - brave words - too look for the good in the midst of trail is an easy concept to project but harder to practice - at my Fathers (heavenly) urging i started making a list of things i was thankful for - at the top was the fact that I have an amazing friend (s) and a patient Father who Knows what I need not just what I ask for...
"You have to face the clouds to see the silver lining" - song
When i went to Africa i got sick - but then Got better (praise the LORD) as my body readjusted - now that I'm back at home i think its going through the process again - Best solution? Go back to Africa - practical solution - Grin and bear it...
I live a fairly fast paced lifestyle - i enjoy being active and involved - but when i get sick its like all time slows to a crawl - when simple movements become a marathon i'll admit i loose heart...
I lost pretty much all motivation this morning - feeding the dogs, and getting to work while sick was not at the top of my list - add in the pouring rain making rivers all over the place and bed was looking especially inviting...well for better or worse i went to work - I need to work but what to do when physically my body inst up to it? oh the decisions of young adulthood...and of responsibility in general
So needless to say I was feeling pretty down and out - no spring in my step and smiling required too much effort... i was beyond dragging... I talked with my heavenly Father - complaining mainly and begging for some help. He sent it - but not in the way i expected.
I was trying to focus the bit of energy i had into scrubbing a particularly stained sink when my phone buzzed - "new message from ----" - I smiled as i read the first words "Find a gleam in every day"- familiar words - brave words - too look for the good in the midst of trail is an easy concept to project but harder to practice - at my Fathers (heavenly) urging i started making a list of things i was thankful for - at the top was the fact that I have an amazing friend (s) and a patient Father who Knows what I need not just what I ask for...
"You have to face the clouds to see the silver lining" - song
Saturday, June 9, 2012
Ticks. (no tocks)
Ticks are nasty and terrible tinny vampires....
I took almost a dozen off the dogs today, they rewarded me with serious looks of mistrust, until i fed them dinner - then all was well. After taking each blood stuft creature off smashing them with a wooden block was bittersweet in the fullest meaning of the word... Yeah they are dead - yet Gross! blood on the porch and disturbingly enough on me as well!-- Reason 63 that I hate arachnids... Spiders, ticks and all the rest are in te bottom of my list ...
well as one professor pointed out "at least they (spiders) don't fly!!"
"nice spider...let me pet you- with my shoe !!" - fb
I took almost a dozen off the dogs today, they rewarded me with serious looks of mistrust, until i fed them dinner - then all was well. After taking each blood stuft creature off smashing them with a wooden block was bittersweet in the fullest meaning of the word... Yeah they are dead - yet Gross! blood on the porch and disturbingly enough on me as well!-- Reason 63 that I hate arachnids... Spiders, ticks and all the rest are in te bottom of my list ...
well as one professor pointed out "at least they (spiders) don't fly!!"
"nice spider...let me pet you- with my shoe !!" - fb
Friday, June 8, 2012
hokey pokey
"That's what its all about"
what "its" all about eh? assuming "its" is life, then I think my life and this song are at odds...my life seems to be wrapped in work, chores, sleep cycle, stuck on repeat - but not in bad way really...
sleeping at least is a unique experience each night.. stupid malaria pills are giving me the most bizarre dreams... everything from fighting alien robots, to saving my little sisters from a house fire - it has been super intense ! Nope, not a dull moment for me :)
In other news, I feel super domesticated. Today I examined, planned and accomplished an average goal - grocery shopping!
Now then don't get too excited, I have shopped before, but always for at least a small group. So work thoughts consisted of planning out meals for this next week, making multiple mental lists of items needed versus items wanted and constantly reminding myself not to buy too much cause I can only eat so much! I think my mission was accomplished fairly well, but time will be the true test... If by next week I am eating crumbs, or have mountains of food, I will be able to adjust and try again - ah the joys of a new adventure... and worries/ difficulties of a 1st world culture (FAIL!) ... I miss Africa.
Well... I'm not quite sold on the idea that the hokey pokey is what its all about, at least my life seems to be a bit more interesting than a children's song. Life seems mundane to some, but its all about perspective, agreed?
what "its" all about eh? assuming "its" is life, then I think my life and this song are at odds...my life seems to be wrapped in work, chores, sleep cycle, stuck on repeat - but not in bad way really...
sleeping at least is a unique experience each night.. stupid malaria pills are giving me the most bizarre dreams... everything from fighting alien robots, to saving my little sisters from a house fire - it has been super intense ! Nope, not a dull moment for me :)
In other news, I feel super domesticated. Today I examined, planned and accomplished an average goal - grocery shopping!
Now then don't get too excited, I have shopped before, but always for at least a small group. So work thoughts consisted of planning out meals for this next week, making multiple mental lists of items needed versus items wanted and constantly reminding myself not to buy too much cause I can only eat so much! I think my mission was accomplished fairly well, but time will be the true test... If by next week I am eating crumbs, or have mountains of food, I will be able to adjust and try again - ah the joys of a new adventure... and worries/ difficulties of a 1st world culture (FAIL!) ... I miss Africa.
Well... I'm not quite sold on the idea that the hokey pokey is what its all about, at least my life seems to be a bit more interesting than a children's song. Life seems mundane to some, but its all about perspective, agreed?
Wednesday, June 6, 2012
Toilets
So another day from Africa... It's funny the silly things I find myself still doing even though I am back at home... Such as - there we didn't have much (if any) running water so toilet flushing was not done after every use, in order to conserve ... Yeah I'm working on getting use to that again... Lol ups funny how random habits linger... anyways ... Work is fun ish - I have 218 Songs on my iPhone - It takes only 2 wrk days to filter through them... I need to find books or something cause music will not be sufficient for this next month...
"I'd rather love just a little too much" - song
"I'd rather love just a little too much" - song
Tuesday, June 5, 2012
Jet lag
I am exhausted! Went to work - made a billion stupid little mistakes... Note: even if one was just in the restroom for the opposite sex, one should always knock before entering because there is a Risk of someone ignoring the signs and supplies and entering in order to "ease" themselves. The second lesson is to always check stalls cause 2 min into cleaning is an awkward time to heard a toilet flush, especially when one had assumed a state of solidarity... Fail - but funny in hindsight :P
Had a nice lunch outside, shirt hike / walk after work and in general a good day...
"Trust in the Lord with all thine Heart"
Had a nice lunch outside, shirt hike / walk after work and in general a good day...
"Trust in the Lord with all thine Heart"
Monday, June 4, 2012
Why don't you,
"Meet me in heaven"
The song haunts the insides of my heart and soul as I zombie through the various airports and security check points.
I don't want to leave, not ready yet. No desire to face "home" life.
"America isn't home..." I whine to my heavenly Father as my eyes start to blur once again.
"No, but neither is Sierra Leone..." He rebuttals, with a firm, yet gentle tone.
"Heaven is our goal, save every soul"
Heaven, no more sea, no more separation - from God or from fellow man. A place where we can all join together, sing and worship. Goodbyes will be no more, and "see you later"'s more certain and filled more quickly.
"Pray that we all will be there..."
The song haunts the insides of my heart and soul as I zombie through the various airports and security check points.
I don't want to leave, not ready yet. No desire to face "home" life.
"America isn't home..." I whine to my heavenly Father as my eyes start to blur once again.
"No, but neither is Sierra Leone..." He rebuttals, with a firm, yet gentle tone.
"Heaven is our goal, save every soul"
Heaven, no more sea, no more separation - from God or from fellow man. A place where we can all join together, sing and worship. Goodbyes will be no more, and "see you later"'s more certain and filled more quickly.
"Pray that we all will be there..."
Falling rain
The last few days have been super amazing - I have seen Gods rain of the holy spirit pour down as many choose to dedicate their lives to Him... It has been beautiful and heart warming...
He is so good and I am beyond thankful for being here ... Africa has stolen my heart- and the funny thing is, I don't want it back. I have found a place where my "off beat" drum is right in tune, where I can march confidently. God knows I was meant to be In Africa this last month. And I pray that He has some epic plans for me to return, somewhere, someday.
But for now we travel... And listen to the blessed rain fall. :)
He is so good and I am beyond thankful for being here ... Africa has stolen my heart- and the funny thing is, I don't want it back. I have found a place where my "off beat" drum is right in tune, where I can march confidently. God knows I was meant to be In Africa this last month. And I pray that He has some epic plans for me to return, somewhere, someday.
But for now we travel... And listen to the blessed rain fall. :)
A morbid topic
Death, the final adventure. Yet 99 % of people spend their whole lives avoiding it.
Call me morbid, and strange but I love this topic of death. Well at least in sermon form. Lol
Wow Such a sermon of hope... I cannot wait to see my loved ones in heaven, where we all will be happy with God... 1 Thess. 4...
Call me morbid, and strange but I love this topic of death. Well at least in sermon form. Lol
Wow Such a sermon of hope... I cannot wait to see my loved ones in heaven, where we all will be happy with God... 1 Thess. 4...
Miracles and madness
( 5/26/2012) Well a simple way to show how the last few days have been is to share my texts sent to key people back at home
"Hey so we could use prayers - rampant discouragement among the troops... Sabbath was a hard topic and between that an other issues (health, church corporation etc) its easy to become down, and when one goes other follow...I'm trying to be as bubbly as ever, cause I know He is going to step in and work in amazing ways. Now then not everyone has these problems - many sites are okay I think - and it'd probable all the sites are okay but we are blinded 2 it... So anyways thanks for the prayers :) God is good :)"
"Epic epic epic day!!! 118 baptized today (total from all sites) saw God in amazing ways today :) oh n some students (not me) observed demon possession 1st hand - but God pulled through - God is good :) epic epic day!! "
Epic epic epic day - sometime ask me about John and the Roman catholic lady double miracle? And of the demon possession (as observed by another student and then told to me) Anyways I need sleep!! Chao!!
"in my darkest hour, You reveled Your power; You hear my desperate cry, and reached to dry my eye" - song
"Hey so we could use prayers - rampant discouragement among the troops... Sabbath was a hard topic and between that an other issues (health, church corporation etc) its easy to become down, and when one goes other follow...I'm trying to be as bubbly as ever, cause I know He is going to step in and work in amazing ways. Now then not everyone has these problems - many sites are okay I think - and it'd probable all the sites are okay but we are blinded 2 it... So anyways thanks for the prayers :) God is good :)"
"Epic epic epic day!!! 118 baptized today (total from all sites) saw God in amazing ways today :) oh n some students (not me) observed demon possession 1st hand - but God pulled through - God is good :) epic epic day!! "
Epic epic epic day - sometime ask me about John and the Roman catholic lady double miracle? And of the demon possession (as observed by another student and then told to me) Anyways I need sleep!! Chao!!
"in my darkest hour, You reveled Your power; You hear my desperate cry, and reached to dry my eye" - song
Africa
(5-21-2012) This place is amazing - saddening, shocking and scary at times but amazon none the less. So far I have been through all sorts of crazy adventures, patted down by kids mobbing me ( trying to find something 2 steal). Herded like a sheep around my site so I stay safe and "within bounds" per say. Begged by little kids to be taken back to America ( I will be good, very quiet; they bargain) and seen poverty at a level that was absolutely despairing, and then realizing it gets worse... :/ however what never ceases to surprise me is overall happiness on people's faces over simple things. Kids play with empty buckets and rickety home made wheelbarrows of sorts, adults are just happy to talk or even just sit by me (that and I think one or two is constantly assigned 2 be near me) .
Haha the other thing that is taking some getting use to is the general serious protection/ babying.
"sit (in this special chair) to conserve energy for the sermon"
"eat more food for you need more strength"
and in general
"no! You can't do that it's not safe"
It's all very interesting but I am being as flexible as I think I have ever been, it's all good - God is good. :)
Haha the other thing that is taking some getting use to is the general serious protection/ babying.
"sit (in this special chair) to conserve energy for the sermon"
"eat more food for you need more strength"
and in general
"no! You can't do that it's not safe"
It's all very interesting but I am being as flexible as I think I have ever been, it's all good - God is good. :)
Ramblings
(5/22/12 - evening) Mmm so being positive all the time is pretty much impossible, I mean I can be a happy person without being bubbly and what not right?
So I need to vent. Tonight was amazing, I watched a thunderstorm spilt and lightning literally bend around my site - great right? And yet this one little thing bothers me...
Before the meeting tonight I was standing by the side gate of te compound, just watching people pass on by. It's lots of fun, until they see me, a white girl. Some glance at me and look at the ground, their faces kept pretty much emotionless. Others smile and wave (creating more attention) and still others come on over to "talk". However since I don't speak krio, talking can be difficult at best.
Today a man can over and Said in broken English "I like you"
II smile and asked if he had been coming to the meetings,
"no, but I want to be with you" he responded with a look that made my skin crawl. Suddenly I was super thankful for the metal gate and tall wall that was separating us. I conjured up enough of a mask of smile and invite him to the meetings, ignoring whatever he may have been implying. He continued on so finally i got a brilliant idea, I started rambling in spanish! The look of confusion on his face was priceless! Eventually i switched back to english and excused myself to the inner part of the compound.
I Don't know Why this guy has bothered me so much. I have heard the same words before, its not an uncommon experience for a young white girl who is traveling abroad, yet his comments hit me at a deeper level.
I want to be liked and one day lived for who I am, as a person, for my character. Not because I'm white, smart, blonde, pretty etc. not just because of correct "chemistry" or just for some sort of status boost. Nor do I want to be with someone, just to avoid not being with anyone. . .
I know it's a little irrational to go from this one mans comment to the realm of my personal relationships, but tonight that's where it hit hardest.
I am super thankful for a God who knows me, for me, and lives me anyways. I suppose I am kind of spoiled, for there are so many who do not have this assurance of love, and the confidence it brings. Yet I find room for loneliness. Silly, girlie-ish lovesick romantic junk, I know. Yet very real. Anyways I need sleep, Tomorrow is a new day!
"But I won't give up, no I won't break down... I will be strong, even of it all goes wrong... Someone's watching over me"
So I need to vent. Tonight was amazing, I watched a thunderstorm spilt and lightning literally bend around my site - great right? And yet this one little thing bothers me...
Before the meeting tonight I was standing by the side gate of te compound, just watching people pass on by. It's lots of fun, until they see me, a white girl. Some glance at me and look at the ground, their faces kept pretty much emotionless. Others smile and wave (creating more attention) and still others come on over to "talk". However since I don't speak krio, talking can be difficult at best.
Today a man can over and Said in broken English "I like you"
II smile and asked if he had been coming to the meetings,
"no, but I want to be with you" he responded with a look that made my skin crawl. Suddenly I was super thankful for the metal gate and tall wall that was separating us. I conjured up enough of a mask of smile and invite him to the meetings, ignoring whatever he may have been implying. He continued on so finally i got a brilliant idea, I started rambling in spanish! The look of confusion on his face was priceless! Eventually i switched back to english and excused myself to the inner part of the compound.
I Don't know Why this guy has bothered me so much. I have heard the same words before, its not an uncommon experience for a young white girl who is traveling abroad, yet his comments hit me at a deeper level.
I want to be liked and one day lived for who I am, as a person, for my character. Not because I'm white, smart, blonde, pretty etc. not just because of correct "chemistry" or just for some sort of status boost. Nor do I want to be with someone, just to avoid not being with anyone. . .
I know it's a little irrational to go from this one mans comment to the realm of my personal relationships, but tonight that's where it hit hardest.
I am super thankful for a God who knows me, for me, and lives me anyways. I suppose I am kind of spoiled, for there are so many who do not have this assurance of love, and the confidence it brings. Yet I find room for loneliness. Silly, girlie-ish lovesick romantic junk, I know. Yet very real. Anyways I need sleep, Tomorrow is a new day!
"But I won't give up, no I won't break down... I will be strong, even of it all goes wrong... Someone's watching over me"
Adaptability
Life is all about adaptability. For centuries both humans and nature have adapted to survive (and thrive) in what ever circumstances that are presented. Cultures - or the way of life are all fitted around the circumstances that are present.
Here in africa I watch as the people, fluid as water, bend and turn with the events of life.
A hot day? Find some shade and rest. Pouring rain? Find shelter, or abandon all care and press on- enjoying the free shower.
With all our modernization and technology the western culture has really lost this fluidity. Cause and effect, funny how easily the ripples of culture are shifted.
Here in africa I watch as the people, fluid as water, bend and turn with the events of life.
A hot day? Find some shade and rest. Pouring rain? Find shelter, or abandon all care and press on- enjoying the free shower.
With all our modernization and technology the western culture has really lost this fluidity. Cause and effect, funny how easily the ripples of culture are shifted.
When God doesn't answer
Tonight (5/22/2012) was the 2300 day prophecy night - its my least favorite sermon namely cause I hate numbers!! As the day went on I silently dreaded the set hour of numbers and figures that I would have to face.
As I got to my site it was raining - muddy, and wet elders met me as I came up to the compound. When asked about plans with the rain, my head elder and translator strongly stated that God would take care of it.
"He made the world and He will get ride of the rain, why do you doubt?" he chastised the church members who dared to voice their concern.
I sat quietly and prayed. I hoped that the rain would End Because I figured that if it was raining people wouldn't bother to walk to the meeting no matter where we had it.
The rain reduced to a sprinkling, and the head elder ordered the rickety wooden pews to be brought out. However just as the PA system was being set up, the rain picked up. The people scattered like cockroaches, dodging under the over hang around the compound, crowding into the classroom door ways.
We waited. And waited. We watched the water drip off the tin roof, creating little "river" boarders to the building and soaking all the wooden pews.
Finally they decided to being the pees in under the awning of the buildings - so out we went, getting wet yet laughing all the way as we slipped and slid in the mud. I got to help for a little while, but then was strictly instructed to stay dry! :)
Anyways we were able to "wade" through the program, dodging both the literal and attitude raindrops that brought mixed emotions.
The underlining question was simply - why?
God is all powerful - he predicted things that were to come 2300 years in advance, let alone all the other miracles that occur on a daily basis . But yet it rained.
This question of Why is not restricted to African rain. I ask why all the time. Why did this or that happen, or why did this not work out? And in the end all I hear in response is the soft sound of rain, and the winds of no response.. The silence of God. It's odd and wow every time I hear it, I long for heaven all the more... Finally I can ask all the questions I want and get answers as to why! I can't wait! :D sigh - even with the promise of heaven, I still wish I had answers now, but all in His time they say. It's not like I have much of a choice as far as making God answer. Cest la vie! - anyways I need sleep! Good night!
"the aching may remain, but the breaking will not, when the heavens only answer is silence of God" - song
As I got to my site it was raining - muddy, and wet elders met me as I came up to the compound. When asked about plans with the rain, my head elder and translator strongly stated that God would take care of it.
"He made the world and He will get ride of the rain, why do you doubt?" he chastised the church members who dared to voice their concern.
I sat quietly and prayed. I hoped that the rain would End Because I figured that if it was raining people wouldn't bother to walk to the meeting no matter where we had it.
The rain reduced to a sprinkling, and the head elder ordered the rickety wooden pews to be brought out. However just as the PA system was being set up, the rain picked up. The people scattered like cockroaches, dodging under the over hang around the compound, crowding into the classroom door ways.
We waited. And waited. We watched the water drip off the tin roof, creating little "river" boarders to the building and soaking all the wooden pews.
Finally they decided to being the pees in under the awning of the buildings - so out we went, getting wet yet laughing all the way as we slipped and slid in the mud. I got to help for a little while, but then was strictly instructed to stay dry! :)
Anyways we were able to "wade" through the program, dodging both the literal and attitude raindrops that brought mixed emotions.
The underlining question was simply - why?
God is all powerful - he predicted things that were to come 2300 years in advance, let alone all the other miracles that occur on a daily basis . But yet it rained.
This question of Why is not restricted to African rain. I ask why all the time. Why did this or that happen, or why did this not work out? And in the end all I hear in response is the soft sound of rain, and the winds of no response.. The silence of God. It's odd and wow every time I hear it, I long for heaven all the more... Finally I can ask all the questions I want and get answers as to why! I can't wait! :D sigh - even with the promise of heaven, I still wish I had answers now, but all in His time they say. It's not like I have much of a choice as far as making God answer. Cest la vie! - anyways I need sleep! Good night!
"the aching may remain, but the breaking will not, when the heavens only answer is silence of God" - song
Monday, May 14, 2012
AFRICA
Well today I'm off on my newest adventure - Africa -
I will be gone till June 4th - I will be focusing on living the adventure not just writing about it, be sure I will take notes and be able to fill in some space here as time allows.
I'm always improving and I want to get better and never hit a plateau. I find it (life) an amazing adventure.
Nigel Kennedy
I will be gone till June 4th - I will be focusing on living the adventure not just writing about it, be sure I will take notes and be able to fill in some space here as time allows.
I'm always improving and I want to get better and never hit a plateau. I find it (life) an amazing adventure.
Nigel Kennedy
Friday, May 11, 2012
Friends
Friends are often the amazon people that fill in as a family when in need (and at other times as well) I thought I might have to sleep in my car tonight but come 8:30 I had 2 different amazing friends arranging as askin for me to stay over - now then i say this no to brag but actually in awe ... Te they know me but to ofer free rooming - etc idk I am blessed and I hope one day to be such a friend / host to people ... :)
"a friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart" - I don't remember :-P sorry!
"a friend is someone who reaches for your hand and touches your heart" - I don't remember :-P sorry!
Thursday, May 10, 2012
Outlook
Then there are someways where one finally wakes up and realizes how good one has it... Today was one of those days... Yeah my life has its incredibly rough spots but for all the roughy grains there are plenty of smooth ones ...
"You gotta keep your head (yeah) so you can let your hair down (oh) " - song (heard it on the radio and can't remember the name...)
"You gotta keep your head (yeah) so you can let your hair down (oh) " - song (heard it on the radio and can't remember the name...)
Wednesday, May 9, 2012
Upkeep.
So once again I have been slacking on writing on here... Summer seems to be just as busy as Finals, just with different activities... So far Anna and I have, watched the LION KING musical here in Orlando (Just as amazing as I thought it would be), ventured around 2 Disney parks - sometimes rushing around, other times taking our dear sweet time; but always having fun.
I'm starting to look forward to the rest of my summer. I arrive in Africa in a week, stay for awhile, and then I get to house sit for a friend - who has 2 dogs - so cool! Yes, I will be working as well and while i have mixed feelings on that note, I guess I am in some cases an incurable optimist. It's a bit crazy being a romantically inclined person (deep inside), with a cynical out look on life (very much on the outside)... haha oh well Cest La Vie. Live and learn i suppose, and listen to Adele :P (anna does not like the last part, but in my opinion - Music is what feelings sound like and for now Adele's music is making me face my feelings and then power through it....) blah.
Anyways through the ups and downs, I am not alone... My Father has been there, often just to listen, however at times to put me in place and guide... I am eternally thankful to Him... <3
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
I'm starting to look forward to the rest of my summer. I arrive in Africa in a week, stay for awhile, and then I get to house sit for a friend - who has 2 dogs - so cool! Yes, I will be working as well and while i have mixed feelings on that note, I guess I am in some cases an incurable optimist. It's a bit crazy being a romantically inclined person (deep inside), with a cynical out look on life (very much on the outside)... haha oh well Cest La Vie. Live and learn i suppose, and listen to Adele :P (anna does not like the last part, but in my opinion - Music is what feelings sound like and for now Adele's music is making me face my feelings and then power through it....) blah.
Anyways through the ups and downs, I am not alone... My Father has been there, often just to listen, however at times to put me in place and guide... I am eternally thankful to Him... <3
We must accept finite disappointment, but never lose infinite hope.
Martin Luther King, Jr.
Friday, May 4, 2012
been awhile
Sorry! life has a niffty way of speeding up, and then suddenly slowing down. it has been a busy, yet epicly memorable last few weeks... but now the brakes are on and time seems to have stopped... well at least enough for me to write on here... passed all my classes...yeah? i suppose i should be happy but its all a bit insignificant... odds fish.
anyways i have other things to attend to - or more of think about..
"Sometime it lasts...but sometimes it hurts instead..."
anyways i have other things to attend to - or more of think about..
"Sometime it lasts...but sometimes it hurts instead..."
Sunday, April 29, 2012
Dancing
Dancing... I have never really tried it before, maybe a little when i was a kid, but anything in a group or with others around was am absolute No Go in my life. Until tonight. Several friends were die hard set on going "Barn dancin" Country music, get up and all. So here we came a bunch of awkward college students observing for the first time what "country" is. And wow... it was very eye opening.
When we first filled into the "barn" - more of a shed with a tin roof and saw the hazy lights and general noise of it all- i have to admit I shrunk a little on the inside.
"Heathen Hole!" my brain screamed as I mazed my way through the chairs and groups of people. I look a slow deep breath in, No cigarette smoke, no alcohol, that must be good for something I reasoned as my eyes adjusted.
As the music started playing and people started lining up to follow each other in their rhythmical movements, I started to relax.
Right, Right, Back, Back, Forward, Back, Spin, Right... the movement became easier with practice. Slowly I got my "sea legs" and started enjoying myself. Some songs were fast, others slower (skipped out on pretty much all the slow ones), song after song only led to an increase in both laughter and smiles as we stumbled to get our feet in cadence with the rest.
At one point we wondered out side to catch some fresh air and the stars were AMAZING - bright and twinkling - ah! absolutely breath taking :)
Really did have a great evening. (and an amazing day as well) but i have several big tests that desperately need attention...
Dancing is the poetry of the foot.
John Dryden
John Dryden
Wednesday, April 25, 2012
Improvement
Life is like a river, sometimes fast, sometimes slow, always moving.
Yeah I'm not perfect, at anything, but I do have the hope of a tomorrow wherein I can improve.
"The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement" - Arlain Hickman
Yeah I'm not perfect, at anything, but I do have the hope of a tomorrow wherein I can improve.
"The biggest room in the world is the room for improvement" - Arlain Hickman
Monday, April 23, 2012
Sunny Day (actually today)
1. Sunshine outside.
2. The invention of texting.
3. I passed my Racquetball test
4. I got 4 cups made in Ceramics.
5. I had an Amazing evening... :)
Find a place inside where there's joy, and the joy will burn out the pain.
Joseph Campbell
Joseph Campbell
Questions
I ask a lot of questions... for some its strange, they seem to think Im investigating them or something, but no, i just want to know about them as a person. Words of affirmation is tied for my top love language and so i guess it makes sense that I like to communicate with people - more particularly hearing their answers to basic questions. There is a lot to learn from people- not only in the words they respond with but, how they speak (fast, slow) or their body language... very fascinating !
Anyways questioning in my opinion shows that you care - I know i have addressed this before on here, but when someone takes the time to ask how my day went, and from listening to the answer formulates a follow up question - it just makes me feel like they actually wanted to talk to me - not just going through the motions - pretty simple - but true.
To be, or not to be: that is the question.
William Shakespeare
William Shakespeare
Happy days (Sorry posted to wrong blog)
Its sabbath that makes it epic... add in epic hikes, kind words and a grin that won't be hidden... and its just an amazing day :) anyways its late and shocker - im going into work in the morning... :)
Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art... It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival.
C. S. Lewis
C. S. Lewis
Friday, April 20, 2012
Happy *
Me? Happy... yeah extremely.... lol wow... anyways... im uber happy and yeah - Check out 20's bench in Walmart has never been a more epic place - just sayin! :P But i should hit the sack...
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
― C.S. Lewis
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: "What! You too? I thought I was the only one.”
― C.S. Lewis
Thursday, April 19, 2012
What a day!
Sooo today started terrible!!! I got to psych class all happy go lucky feeling, only to be shocked into the horrors of reality of a test! Get this - the teacher has a strict schedule on tests - ever other TUESDAY but then today of all days for some crazy reason he has one!!
"read your syllabus" is his only response to my gaped mouth stare... grr some people.
Anyways after that geography, then studying for Intro to ministry test - which was a breeze, and then ... well i guess it will all come out if it works out but some epic and exciting changes appear to be in the mix... I'm just praying that it all works out, and trying to decided if I need to just take my own advice and just go for it... well anyways I feel super cryptic - haha and overall happy about all of this. Anyways tis enough to say i had a great afternoon.
Then i went to an amazing concert - Naked voices an acapella group here on campus - they were pretty amazing i absolutely loved it :) with a nice mixture of spiritual and secular songs - all well done - anyways it was great.
Next anna and I got some yogurt, and sat on the round-about and watched the cars go by - lol they probably thought we were crazy but we enjoyed it and got to talk for a bit. Next we pestered our RA for a bit and yeah :)
Anyways - lesson being - no matter how a day starts out - it can end well :)
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Marcel Proust
"read your syllabus" is his only response to my gaped mouth stare... grr some people.
Anyways after that geography, then studying for Intro to ministry test - which was a breeze, and then ... well i guess it will all come out if it works out but some epic and exciting changes appear to be in the mix... I'm just praying that it all works out, and trying to decided if I need to just take my own advice and just go for it... well anyways I feel super cryptic - haha and overall happy about all of this. Anyways tis enough to say i had a great afternoon.
Then i went to an amazing concert - Naked voices an acapella group here on campus - they were pretty amazing i absolutely loved it :) with a nice mixture of spiritual and secular songs - all well done - anyways it was great.
Next anna and I got some yogurt, and sat on the round-about and watched the cars go by - lol they probably thought we were crazy but we enjoyed it and got to talk for a bit. Next we pestered our RA for a bit and yeah :)
Anyways - lesson being - no matter how a day starts out - it can end well :)
Let us be grateful to people who make us happy, they are the charming gardeners who make our souls blossom.
Marcel Proust
Wednesday, April 18, 2012
Gift of life
So today I gave blood - i really should stop doing this but the ideal of saving someone is too strong. lol oh well. It was super draining to give it though - ended up skipping my skills test for racquetball - fail... on the other hand i got to sleep and i feel better..
Well one things for sure - I so so thankful for the Lover of my Soul who gave up not just some - but ALL - of His blood to save me... yeah He's amazing...
Well one things for sure - I so so thankful for the Lover of my Soul who gave up not just some - but ALL - of His blood to save me... yeah He's amazing...
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
Finals
Finals are approaching... they are pretty much as evil as they come. I am super busy and thus I didnt post this last night :P Fail....
Sunday, April 15, 2012
Death
Funerals. I despise them. I know that they are supposedly healing and good, but in general I avoid them like the plague, and only go if I really need to.
This weekend I needed too. I didn't know him too well, more of an acquaintance, but to my greatest mentor and friend, an adopted brother. She had had a long week and traveling alone with such sorrow was a risk not worth taking, and a problem I could easily fix.
The service was beautiful, if I have funeral I would hope it could be just a fitting. It was perfectly tailored to match the beauty of life this guy lived, while not completely ignoring the tragedy of it all.
While listening to multiple pastors and "suits" explain how Kris impacted their ministry through his gifts and training in media, both directing and filming, I was surprised. He had a short life, but in that life he impacted and grew many ministries for the gospel work. Share Him, The Quiet Hour and the General conference of the Seventh Day Adventist church, are just a few ministries he helped in the media department. One of his greatest pieces being a script he wrote of the great controversy, in "Hollywood" form, his dream was to use this art, subtle hints and all, to influence the masses on the truths of our battlefield of a world. To my understanding he wanted to produce it separate of any religious association, and rely on the art, instead of a name, to make its point. Fascinating really, a dreamer of the highest standard. The only problem being the devil himself.
As I sat, frozen to the pew, I could help myself but to curse at the devil. - JERK. It was him who screwed with Kris, set up barrier after barrier and eventually threaded a disaster of a doctor to give him the wrong prescription, which led to serious side effects, one risk being suicide. The whole situation had the devils fingerprints scattered around. Terrible. Sickening. and absolutely aggravating.
I mourned at the loss of life, it didn't have to end this way. I watched as in many cases along with sorrow, there was a general sense of guilt written on many peoples faces. "what if I did ____" was a lingering thought haunting their minds. Some knew that they had done all they could, others were left with varying shadows of doubt. Sickening, saddening and most of all heart wrenching.
As I watched, I shuddered inwardly. reflections of my past started to arise, his death did not only effect him. Death has a way of sticking its cold fingers from it's victim right into the hearts of those who loved him most. While in many cases, the death of a close friend or family member does not mean death for the loved one, at least not in the full spectrum of things, but it does mean death in a part. Each of us has little parts of other people, the people we love, tucked inside, and when those people die, those parts do as well, and so we have a hole. In some ways suicide seems so selfish when looked at from this angle, no matter how bad it gets, if there is any sort of even super basic relation with other people, to take ones own life means death in part for that other person.
I was lost in my thoughts when another musical number came up.
"The Victory is won, He is risen from the dead, and I will Rise, when He calls my name"
I caught my breath, this song? here? My chest tightened
"No more sorrow, No more pain"
I held my breath and got caught up in the crescendo.
"I hear the voice of many angels sing, "Worthy is the Lamb" I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the lamb".
My heart swelled with the notes, somehow some way, it was okay. Life down hear sucks, but Jesus already won. The devil might have appeared to win - but to paraphrase one of the pastors - the devil wanted Kris dead long before this time, in fact the devil didn't want him to be born, so God won out 41 years - its a victory!
It is not my place to judge, and Lord knows I am happy that it is not, but whatever the case may be, I trust both the ultimate Judge and Advocate, because the know the truth, from the chemicals to the inner thoughts, and He knows what is best. I can, and do trust in Him alone.
Birth and death; we all move between these two unknowns.
Bryant H. McGill
This weekend I needed too. I didn't know him too well, more of an acquaintance, but to my greatest mentor and friend, an adopted brother. She had had a long week and traveling alone with such sorrow was a risk not worth taking, and a problem I could easily fix.
The service was beautiful, if I have funeral I would hope it could be just a fitting. It was perfectly tailored to match the beauty of life this guy lived, while not completely ignoring the tragedy of it all.
While listening to multiple pastors and "suits" explain how Kris impacted their ministry through his gifts and training in media, both directing and filming, I was surprised. He had a short life, but in that life he impacted and grew many ministries for the gospel work. Share Him, The Quiet Hour and the General conference of the Seventh Day Adventist church, are just a few ministries he helped in the media department. One of his greatest pieces being a script he wrote of the great controversy, in "Hollywood" form, his dream was to use this art, subtle hints and all, to influence the masses on the truths of our battlefield of a world. To my understanding he wanted to produce it separate of any religious association, and rely on the art, instead of a name, to make its point. Fascinating really, a dreamer of the highest standard. The only problem being the devil himself.
As I sat, frozen to the pew, I could help myself but to curse at the devil. - JERK. It was him who screwed with Kris, set up barrier after barrier and eventually threaded a disaster of a doctor to give him the wrong prescription, which led to serious side effects, one risk being suicide. The whole situation had the devils fingerprints scattered around. Terrible. Sickening. and absolutely aggravating.
I mourned at the loss of life, it didn't have to end this way. I watched as in many cases along with sorrow, there was a general sense of guilt written on many peoples faces. "what if I did ____" was a lingering thought haunting their minds. Some knew that they had done all they could, others were left with varying shadows of doubt. Sickening, saddening and most of all heart wrenching.
As I watched, I shuddered inwardly. reflections of my past started to arise, his death did not only effect him. Death has a way of sticking its cold fingers from it's victim right into the hearts of those who loved him most. While in many cases, the death of a close friend or family member does not mean death for the loved one, at least not in the full spectrum of things, but it does mean death in a part. Each of us has little parts of other people, the people we love, tucked inside, and when those people die, those parts do as well, and so we have a hole. In some ways suicide seems so selfish when looked at from this angle, no matter how bad it gets, if there is any sort of even super basic relation with other people, to take ones own life means death in part for that other person.
I was lost in my thoughts when another musical number came up.
"The Victory is won, He is risen from the dead, and I will Rise, when He calls my name"
I caught my breath, this song? here? My chest tightened
"No more sorrow, No more pain"
I held my breath and got caught up in the crescendo.
"I hear the voice of many angels sing, "Worthy is the Lamb" I hear the cry of every longing heart, "Worthy is the lamb".
My heart swelled with the notes, somehow some way, it was okay. Life down hear sucks, but Jesus already won. The devil might have appeared to win - but to paraphrase one of the pastors - the devil wanted Kris dead long before this time, in fact the devil didn't want him to be born, so God won out 41 years - its a victory!
It is not my place to judge, and Lord knows I am happy that it is not, but whatever the case may be, I trust both the ultimate Judge and Advocate, because the know the truth, from the chemicals to the inner thoughts, and He knows what is best. I can, and do trust in Him alone.
Birth and death; we all move between these two unknowns.
Bryant H. McGill
Thursday, April 12, 2012
Pruning
Have you ever had a garden? I haven't ever had a personal one, but the high school I attended sure did.
The summer before my Senior year was spent out in hundreds of tomato plants. I am not much of gardener, but i found the alone time appealing so I was happy to get that job. I will never forget the first day my boss was trying to teach me the ropes. I had imagined getting tools such as a hose, or maybe some sort of shovel, but no instead I was handed a pair of scissors.
"Scissors?" I wondered to myself, "What kind of growing will I accomplish with these?"
"A lot actually" Experience responded as the summer progressed.
That day I was taught an important technique of pruning. Those tomato plants were BIG, with lots of leaves and many baby tomatoes, but the fact is that the trunk of the plant could not support it all, and so by cutting off even some of the "good" parts, I helped preserve the life of the plant, and ensured a harvest.
Life is kind of like that sometimes. I have dreams, goals, plenty of things on my bucket list. Coming up with a to-do list is not a problem, but the real issue occurs in the balance of letting some good things go, as an insurance to life itself. Life could easily be summed up in priorities, and while some of my dreams are extremely high priorities I have other responsibilities that are higher.Education is important, its one of the biggest predictors of a "secure" life - and greatly increases ones realm of influence. I have a goal to make a difference in this old planet, and this over arching goal is a priority. That being said my mission year is delayed (again) but unlike the tomato parts that I cut off, it still is alive, just on a back burner, a goal that will be accomplished one day, someday, in the future.
The summer before my Senior year was spent out in hundreds of tomato plants. I am not much of gardener, but i found the alone time appealing so I was happy to get that job. I will never forget the first day my boss was trying to teach me the ropes. I had imagined getting tools such as a hose, or maybe some sort of shovel, but no instead I was handed a pair of scissors.
"Scissors?" I wondered to myself, "What kind of growing will I accomplish with these?"
"A lot actually" Experience responded as the summer progressed.
That day I was taught an important technique of pruning. Those tomato plants were BIG, with lots of leaves and many baby tomatoes, but the fact is that the trunk of the plant could not support it all, and so by cutting off even some of the "good" parts, I helped preserve the life of the plant, and ensured a harvest.
Life is kind of like that sometimes. I have dreams, goals, plenty of things on my bucket list. Coming up with a to-do list is not a problem, but the real issue occurs in the balance of letting some good things go, as an insurance to life itself. Life could easily be summed up in priorities, and while some of my dreams are extremely high priorities I have other responsibilities that are higher.Education is important, its one of the biggest predictors of a "secure" life - and greatly increases ones realm of influence. I have a goal to make a difference in this old planet, and this over arching goal is a priority. That being said my mission year is delayed (again) but unlike the tomato parts that I cut off, it still is alive, just on a back burner, a goal that will be accomplished one day, someday, in the future.
“As the gardener, by severe pruning, forces the sap of the tree into one or two vigorous limbs, so should you stop off your miscellaneous activity and concentrate your force on one or a few points" | |
Ralph Waldo Emerson
|
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
To the day, and the night.
Well technically its morning... I'm pullin an all nighter to complete a project for tomorrow. It was a 9 person team- and while my sub group of 3 completed our task in advance, other did not. So here I am trying to prep for a 5 min speech off of someone else's notes... not my cup of tea...
Speaking of tea, its brewing, all hot and steamy... ideally it will give me enough juice to finish all that is set to be accomplished tonight.
And so the question is raised, why am I updating my blog instead of pounding away at my project? - because I need to. There is something about the night, or really any time when all is silent, that I can really think. There is no music playing, no laughing or giggling, no texts or Facebook updates, no distractions, silence. The only noise is self made, fingers tapping on a key board, accompanied by the resounding, deafening, silence.
Slowly I breath in and out, I need to focus on my school, but my mind finds so many other tangles of life to pick apart. I reflect on my teacher conference, i thought it would be a quick 20 min talk, but it quickly expanded to an hours time, and would have continued without the intrusion of previous appointments. I resound with the rhythmic beat of the memory of a well matched, yet relaxing dance of racquetball played earlier today. And then I remember her.
She was pacing back behind the nursing building, tucked nicely in the corner as to be hidden from prying eyes. I was just simply walking to be picked up from work. She kept her hands up by her face, and was clearly upset. I started to walk by, but couldn't. I called out to her but she kept at her furious whirl, oblivious to the world around her. I started to walk away again, but God stopped me with one question.
"If it was you?..."
I didn't even argue, turning around again I slowly edged my way into her well worn path and just waited. It seemed like an eternity as she paused with her back to me, before spinning around to "attack" from a different direction. She stopped suddenly shocked at my appearing, it was a bit of an awkward moment as I begged for the words to say.
"If it was you..", He gently guided.
"Can I give you a hug?". I whispered hesitantly, how was I to know that she would need or what was her way of being encouraged? I had never seen her before! My mind raced as I waited for her brain to process both my intrusion and response.
Instead of an answer with words, she engulfed me in her arms. I hugged her back and just listened to her cry for a bit. Eventually I quietly prayed aloud for God to be with her no matter the storm. After I squeaked out an "amen" (for she had tightened her grip significantly), she slowly began to release me.
I smiled and said my goodbyes, and continued on my way... shrugging off my boss's quizzical gaze as i jumped in the van.
Flash forward to 2 am - technically the next day. I am awake and stressed. A bit lost, a little angry. I started complaining to my Heavenly Father, re hashing the same fears, and pondering the loneliness that silence has a way of emphasizing.
"I could use a hug" I mumble to Him.
"You have one" He responded, along with the memory.
Life isn't all about having someone special there for you all the time, everyone will at some point fail - excluding God that is. Life really boils down to two choices, wait for someone to rescue me, or get off my bum and rescue myself. I can't control the hearts and minds of others, I cannot make or other wise endure someone to love me, but I can love someone else. I can help relieve another persons pain, and while I may not have anyone to relieve mine, there is a balm that comes from this loving of others, that can heal, the choice is mine alone.
But it gets better...The fact is that Someone already has, and forever will love me, for who I really am. In an amazing adventure, full of mishaps and bountiful mistakes I am learning to Love Him as well, and it is His love for me, that gives me strength to love others, and thus to help heal my own wounds - Amazing huh? <3
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep. "
~ Robert Frost.
Speaking of tea, its brewing, all hot and steamy... ideally it will give me enough juice to finish all that is set to be accomplished tonight.
And so the question is raised, why am I updating my blog instead of pounding away at my project? - because I need to. There is something about the night, or really any time when all is silent, that I can really think. There is no music playing, no laughing or giggling, no texts or Facebook updates, no distractions, silence. The only noise is self made, fingers tapping on a key board, accompanied by the resounding, deafening, silence.
Slowly I breath in and out, I need to focus on my school, but my mind finds so many other tangles of life to pick apart. I reflect on my teacher conference, i thought it would be a quick 20 min talk, but it quickly expanded to an hours time, and would have continued without the intrusion of previous appointments. I resound with the rhythmic beat of the memory of a well matched, yet relaxing dance of racquetball played earlier today. And then I remember her.
She was pacing back behind the nursing building, tucked nicely in the corner as to be hidden from prying eyes. I was just simply walking to be picked up from work. She kept her hands up by her face, and was clearly upset. I started to walk by, but couldn't. I called out to her but she kept at her furious whirl, oblivious to the world around her. I started to walk away again, but God stopped me with one question.
"If it was you?..."
I didn't even argue, turning around again I slowly edged my way into her well worn path and just waited. It seemed like an eternity as she paused with her back to me, before spinning around to "attack" from a different direction. She stopped suddenly shocked at my appearing, it was a bit of an awkward moment as I begged for the words to say.
"If it was you..", He gently guided.
"Can I give you a hug?". I whispered hesitantly, how was I to know that she would need or what was her way of being encouraged? I had never seen her before! My mind raced as I waited for her brain to process both my intrusion and response.
Instead of an answer with words, she engulfed me in her arms. I hugged her back and just listened to her cry for a bit. Eventually I quietly prayed aloud for God to be with her no matter the storm. After I squeaked out an "amen" (for she had tightened her grip significantly), she slowly began to release me.
I smiled and said my goodbyes, and continued on my way... shrugging off my boss's quizzical gaze as i jumped in the van.
Flash forward to 2 am - technically the next day. I am awake and stressed. A bit lost, a little angry. I started complaining to my Heavenly Father, re hashing the same fears, and pondering the loneliness that silence has a way of emphasizing.
"I could use a hug" I mumble to Him.
"You have one" He responded, along with the memory.
Life isn't all about having someone special there for you all the time, everyone will at some point fail - excluding God that is. Life really boils down to two choices, wait for someone to rescue me, or get off my bum and rescue myself. I can't control the hearts and minds of others, I cannot make or other wise endure someone to love me, but I can love someone else. I can help relieve another persons pain, and while I may not have anyone to relieve mine, there is a balm that comes from this loving of others, that can heal, the choice is mine alone.
But it gets better...The fact is that Someone already has, and forever will love me, for who I really am. In an amazing adventure, full of mishaps and bountiful mistakes I am learning to Love Him as well, and it is His love for me, that gives me strength to love others, and thus to help heal my own wounds - Amazing huh? <3
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep. "
~ Robert Frost.
Monday, April 9, 2012
A Hike Gone Wrong Part 3
SO, some people are wanting to hear the story... *ahem*.
After tumbling off the log and in some ways shaking up my noggin, it started to dawn on me that this could develop into a difficult situation. As we continued trudging along the ridge, my mind started wandering to various ways of survival.
I kept kicking myself for not bringing my iPhone; there really wasn't service at camp so forgetting all the other amazing gadgets (such as a GPS and Compass)... While technically I should be fine in the woods, I'm a "master guide" but somehow all the lessons and various Honors requirements vanished from my memory... Being a Pathfinder Master guide doesn't mean anything if I cant remember how to get home, or in the very least make it though the next few hours. And so I debated.
Anna was chill with following my scatter brained leads, first this ridge, then that. We crisscrossed the area looking for something familiar. My mind hiked through the libraries of random information - yet was unable to open anything worthwhile.
"God" I prayed,silently "please help us find something, pretty much anything."
We were getting tired and thirsty. The fall had injured my hip, and outside contact was slow at best. On some of the ridges we could get one or two bars of service with Anna's stone age phone. So we started texting Joel back at camp, first stating that we were lost, then outlining a time when he could start to worry. I thought that maybe if he could tell me where camp was in relation to the sun, I could make a compass of sorts and get us back, interesting theory but not very helpful.
Over a creek, through some brush, but no grandparents house in sight, until down in the trough of some random ridges we spied a cabin.
(to be continued...)
After tumbling off the log and in some ways shaking up my noggin, it started to dawn on me that this could develop into a difficult situation. As we continued trudging along the ridge, my mind started wandering to various ways of survival.
I kept kicking myself for not bringing my iPhone; there really wasn't service at camp so forgetting all the other amazing gadgets (such as a GPS and Compass)... While technically I should be fine in the woods, I'm a "master guide" but somehow all the lessons and various Honors requirements vanished from my memory... Being a Pathfinder Master guide doesn't mean anything if I cant remember how to get home, or in the very least make it though the next few hours. And so I debated.
Anna was chill with following my scatter brained leads, first this ridge, then that. We crisscrossed the area looking for something familiar. My mind hiked through the libraries of random information - yet was unable to open anything worthwhile.
"God" I prayed,silently "please help us find something, pretty much anything."
We were getting tired and thirsty. The fall had injured my hip, and outside contact was slow at best. On some of the ridges we could get one or two bars of service with Anna's stone age phone. So we started texting Joel back at camp, first stating that we were lost, then outlining a time when he could start to worry. I thought that maybe if he could tell me where camp was in relation to the sun, I could make a compass of sorts and get us back, interesting theory but not very helpful.
Over a creek, through some brush, but no grandparents house in sight, until down in the trough of some random ridges we spied a cabin.
(to be continued...)
Sunday, April 8, 2012
An amazing day - Backwards
Sooo my day was AMAZING - however the best parts were first sooo i am going to tell it backwards
This evening I met up with some friends - we went out to eat and then went bowling as a pre-birthday thing for one of us who has their birthday in the summer (Amazing idea btw !)
Previous to that I got to meet up with some of my super good friends from a mission trip back in 07 - It was great to see everyone and just talk and catch up a bit - we have all grown in so many ways, both through Pain and Joy... fascinating really.
Before I met up with them I explored the depths of the earth - well at least the depths of the "potato" cave here on campus - Imagine crawling on your stomach through a super tight space, in water. A bit sketchy - but pretty awesome and I highly recommend it (Note: the whole cave is NOT in water - i just got particularly stubborn and wanted to get on to as far back as possible )
Most of the morning however (so prior to my caving experience) was dedicated to SonRise - unarguable the best part of my day. As I dodged between people - both actors and fellow audience people, I got to hear and observe so many things - The innocent kids taking the Epic story of our Savior in, in a way that they likely won't forget. - The Devil, first tempting Jesus and harassing Him with various means of manipulation, interestingly mixed with truth "These Humans Don't deserve Your sacrifice - You are the King of Kings...Give up" etc. - Hearing the "Mobsters" fight, some for Jesus, and sadly Many against Him.. one particular actor made my blood boil with his fighting words, as terrible as it was, I glared him down until he finally shut his mouth :S Personally, I don't think I have enough "umph" to yell so many things that I don't believe - and make it sound convincing, not an easy job I'm Sure.
So before I started the whole adventure of experiencing that amazing weekend - I took time to Read each of the Gospels accounts. I Love reading, for me its like seeing into something that I otherwise could not fully perceive - So reading - or to me - seeing those Passionate scenes through each of their eyes as they reflected on His Sacrifice was really special. Certainly a new tradition :)
"You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were
Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath"
- " You were there" ~ Avalon.
This evening I met up with some friends - we went out to eat and then went bowling as a pre-birthday thing for one of us who has their birthday in the summer (Amazing idea btw !)
Previous to that I got to meet up with some of my super good friends from a mission trip back in 07 - It was great to see everyone and just talk and catch up a bit - we have all grown in so many ways, both through Pain and Joy... fascinating really.
Before I met up with them I explored the depths of the earth - well at least the depths of the "potato" cave here on campus - Imagine crawling on your stomach through a super tight space, in water. A bit sketchy - but pretty awesome and I highly recommend it (Note: the whole cave is NOT in water - i just got particularly stubborn and wanted to get on to as far back as possible )
Most of the morning however (so prior to my caving experience) was dedicated to SonRise - unarguable the best part of my day. As I dodged between people - both actors and fellow audience people, I got to hear and observe so many things - The innocent kids taking the Epic story of our Savior in, in a way that they likely won't forget. - The Devil, first tempting Jesus and harassing Him with various means of manipulation, interestingly mixed with truth "These Humans Don't deserve Your sacrifice - You are the King of Kings...Give up" etc. - Hearing the "Mobsters" fight, some for Jesus, and sadly Many against Him.. one particular actor made my blood boil with his fighting words, as terrible as it was, I glared him down until he finally shut his mouth :S Personally, I don't think I have enough "umph" to yell so many things that I don't believe - and make it sound convincing, not an easy job I'm Sure.
So before I started the whole adventure of experiencing that amazing weekend - I took time to Read each of the Gospels accounts. I Love reading, for me its like seeing into something that I otherwise could not fully perceive - So reading - or to me - seeing those Passionate scenes through each of their eyes as they reflected on His Sacrifice was really special. Certainly a new tradition :)
"You are God and though we would
Not have understood You
There You were
Hanging blameless on a cross
You would rather die than leave us in the dark
Every moment, every planned coincidence
Just all makes sense
With Your last breath"
- " You were there" ~ Avalon.
Wednesday, April 4, 2012
Reflection
So today was just amazing. Work was chill and regular (not bad but not special either) and then a much needed nap before racquetball class. Then I stayed and played doubles after class (I think its my favorite way to play) and yeah in general had fun.
Okay I'm sleepy. sooo yeah someday i will finish my previously continuing story but for now I have a lot to think about and sleep to catch up on :)
Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.
C. S. Lewis
Okay I'm sleepy. sooo yeah someday i will finish my previously continuing story but for now I have a lot to think about and sleep to catch up on :)
Part of every misery is, so to speak, the misery's shadow or reflection: the fact that you don't merely suffer but have to keep on thinking about the fact that you suffer. I not only live each endless day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.
C. S. Lewis
Monday, April 2, 2012
A Hike Gone Wrong part 2
We panted and struggled to make it just over the top of the ridge, fully expecting the welcome scene of a small lake and some quaint cabins to reward us for our effort.
Finally we made it to the top, only to see... nothing but "nature".
I hummed and hawed a bit, this was when I should have swallowed my ambitions and just back tracked back to camp, atlas my pride got the better of me.
"It must be this way!' I rallied as I pointed to another ridge. Surely continuing on our harebrained idea was better than turning back now.
So we continued along the top of the ridge, weaving in between the trees, talking merrily about all sorts of things.
We cross over to the second ridge, Nothing.
Now I know I'm stumped and I knew Anna knew that as well. We consider various options - the logical ideal being to return on our path and head back, the more adventurous (Yet stupid) being to continue on.
So I picked a new ridge in a direction I thought was correct and away we went.
Now then we started this journey expecting to play in the creeks etc, so we dressed appropriately in flip flops and shorts -not the correct attire for mountain climbing. Also I loathe spiders, snakes and scorpions (the terrible S's.) and there happened to be a plenty full amount of the first S in this Georgia Forest.
So lets do some simple math :
Essentially bare feet + copious amounts of spiders living in the fallen leaves = A very wary Katie.
I was watching the leaves and other matter under my feet almost more than the woods around me. (not a good idea). And so I devised a brilliant idea, by going from log to log I could avoid the creepy crawly creatures!
"Ah Ha!" I thought triumphantly to myself as I scouted, planned and executed my escape from the leaves and their creepy tenants. However I forgot one important detail, logs are slick, and going too fast on them is not an advisable
"AHHHHH!!!" I yelled a lost my footing and tumbled backwards. Gymnastic auto-pilot kicks in as I wrench my body into a more perpendicular position, as to prevent further sliding. However the fear of falling down the mountain was not on the top of my list as I hit that forest floor. No, instead terrors of spiders filled me and I hurried to get back into a standing position in record time.
Anna hardly had time to whip around before I was back up standing, how be it unsteadily, on my own two feet.
"Try not to step on the logs, they are slick" She cautioned as we trudged onward... So much for my grand idea.
(To be continued)
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