Passion.

Sitting around a camp fire is one of my favorite pass times. Watching the flames dance and spark, feeding it tenderly as to not burn all the wood at once and yet be comfortable - it's amazing.  Some of my most precious memories of a time not really too long ago are of camping trips. The relationships built, the stories told - our epic survival trip on which several of us were in the first stages of hypothermia and one of my friends got frostbite that bothers him to this day. ( Note: we never got a fire started on that trip) - These stories and adventures are ones that I do not plan on forgetting any time soon, or ever.

Passion. 

For me the picture that comes to mind with the word Passion is fire,  or an internal flame.A passion is both life and consuming. You have to feed the flames to keep it going and at the same time it is what keeps you going, like the ability to make a fire in a dire situation, it is life saving.Passion is that something that has driven the great people of history to do extraordinary things. 

 I guess I have sort of written myself off in life as being one who didn't really have any passions. My self image of me was one of absolute "average",  it really was/is a coping mechanism gone wrong. It was good when I was young trying to ward of the questions of the other children, but now that I am entering adulthood, I can't afford to put myself down (well I guess I never could afford it in the first place but hind sight is 20/20 - life goes on.) I do have passions. I love writing - yes I am terrible with grammar and spelling, etc. etc. but I enjoy speaking my mind through this medium. I also enjoy helping people, doing random acts of kindness - sometimes leaving enough hints to let my identity be known coupled with countless times of secrecy, I find it all very fulfilling.  There are others but I really need to head to bed.

Slowly it seems that though I have continuous stress and issues right now, good things and key revelations are coming out of it. So I cant stop fighting, nor will I. 

There is no passion to be found playing small - in settling for a life that is less than the one you are capable of living. 
Nelson Mandela 

Busy day

I actually have a lot or write about but I don't have time due to an early morning appointment with a paper soooo I will have to fill ya'll in on it later :)

"This is how it feels to be held, and to know that the promise was, when everything fell we'd be held" - Held (song)

Quiet time

So if you couldn't tell life has been pretty busy for me. The last few week have been stress filled and not easy in varying aspects of "life". Today, however, I got a breathe of air.

I was zoning out Intro to ministry class, poor teacher I don't think I hear much of his lecture about various sources of expectations; mainly due to the noise of my own brain whirling away a to do list. I watched the clock, steadily counting down the time.
"expectations of God", my teacher continued.
"mmmm", I mused as my brain shock off the to do track and started wondering about His expectations fans what impact they would have on my list.
"Spend time with me." He whispered.
I shivered as I reviewed my list, I had specifically driven to class so that I could drive to work ASAP to ensure making the shuttle.
"let this be a reminder that life is fragile" my teachers words echoed back to me as I pondered for a time slot.
"okay" I resigned, I could spend a few min between class and work with Him instead of socializing with my co workers or entertaining myself with my phone.
As soon as class let out I scurried off to my car found my little bible and had a great 10 min just talking and interacting with my Father. It really changed my day around and while not All my troubles disappeared in a snap, they really did become more bearable. And so in my quiet time I found a breathe of fresh air and I highly recommend it - it's really not a lot of time In the grande scheme of things but even the simplest tactic wins a battle which can in time, win a war.

"Turn your eyes upon Jesus, look full in His wonderful face. And the things of earth will grow strangely dim, in the light of His glory and grace" - hymn...

Today.

Some days are average. Study, study,  relax a bit, and repeat...
Life is often about finding ones own pace, and taking care of it as it comes and goes. However the beauty of is that while each of our own pasts and burdens are unique, we don't have to go it alone.

Anyways more on this another day!
G'nite

Grief can't be shared. Everyone carries it alone. His own burden in his own way.
Anne Morrow Lindbergh

Sabbath!!

So today has been pretty epic. it started with a crazy rush to make it to church and Sabbath school - which both were interesting. Then I ate lunch at the cafe and got a quick 20 min nap before taking off to go sing at a nursing home.
It was special to go go do that again. It seems like forever ago that as a pathfinder group the adults would dress us all up in Uniforms and march (and drag) us to the various nursing homes for an afternoon of sunshine banning - Not my favorite activity as a kid. But somehow doing it today rang a different bell. It was nice. After we sang for a bit a guy got up and talked about Hope. - its something that is unique to humans and in someways is the energy behind many actions - even though hope itself will not make X thing occur, it is its own fuel. We have Hope in Jesus coming, and while just having that hope does not make the gospel spread (and thus His return sooner) it is what fuels my passion for mission. I have a message, a responsibility and so how can I keep silent?

I spent the rest of the day climbing trees, throwing and catching a football, laughing with friends, attending Asian Night (which was AMAZING) and smiling wayyyy too much (haha Jk)
It was a good day.

All the great things are simple, and many can be expressed in a single word: freedom, justice, honor, duty, mercy, hope.
Winston Churchill

perspective.

 I changed my MO (Method of Operation) most every Friday evening I go on a walk around campus along fairly well lighted areas... but not tonight.

I wandered off into the woods. I could see lightning in the far distance and I wanted to get to the top of the hills behind the school to get a better view. But remember how all those stories talk about the woods looking different and creepy at night? well they are true. An so I took off with a fair amount of naivety  :P nothing scary happened - some creepy lighting bugs - I didn't know they started this early so they caught me off guard, and a bobcat were the only bits of wildlife I saw.
But the beauty and fear really came from the trees and stars. Running through the woods at night is not the best idea but it does give an interesting perspective.
As I ran through the trees I started angling my head so I could see both the stars and the place where my flip flop protected shoes would land.
So the fear came because at this angle my side vision was blurred at best, so the trees and shadows played tricks. :(
but the beauty was in the changing of the sky. - Now then I am not crazy i know that they sky wasn't changing as I ran, but because my perspective was changing it looked a little different each moment.

In life, i think maybe the main reason why we as humans don't get along and often unintentionally hurt one another is because of differing perspectives. - Beyond that even if one does try to understand another perspective as we move through our rapid lives our perspectives change and so its super hard to really see things from someone else's eyes, and yet as a general rule we humans tend to assume that everyone else sees life the same way we do. So, it becomes a never ending cycle of expectancy of one thing and then pain of being let down - even though its really not anyone's fault.

Anyways, I saw a movie today. October baby - Its OK -  sad to most people and from my perspective painfully sad. I guess it really has been the biggest thing of today and kind of what started this whole blabering about views etc. Life is precious, but daunting, and is most definitively NOT like the movies (not even this one).

Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact.
William James

A question (no this does not make much sense)

If I break a 10 dollar blue plush monkey, I should replace/repay the monkey at its value (at 10) and maybe a nice note. Correct?

To clarify I am not required to pay 100+ dollars for a much bigger, fluffier, collectible golden monkey as refund.

This is logic.

"How is a raven like a writing desk?" - the Hatter, Alice in wonderland: through the looking glass.

Busy

Life is busy but I think I an starting to gain ground instead of loosing it :)

Little Miracles

So today was long, hard and pretty much terrible. In all honesty i was not going to write a blog on it because i figured that i would not mind "forgetting" this day in my life. But here I am still up past midnight typing a way instead of sleeping, because I know I do NOT want to forget this.

In short yes today was terrible. but then a Miracle happened.

In ceramics i have spent the last 5 weeks trying to get a cylinder  8 inches tall. Over and over again it failed and every time i came closer to giving up.
Tonight i came in sick and dizzy. Staring at that clay spinning in circles was not helpful. I was the last student to accomplish my task - and my teacher had pretty much forgotten about me as he assumed everyone had accomplished the task.

Throw number one. --  7.80 in. and then Failure.

Throw number two - not even 5 inches then i slipped and it all fell apart. I slipped away to the restroom and shed a few tears.

Throw number three -  7.5 in and Failure. *more tears in private*

By now it was 8 and I had no desire to try again - I figured I could mess around and slip out early ashamed, but undetected. As i reasoned it out, i could hear a little voice reminding me of something i repeated countless times to my students.
"Try another door, Don't give up now,  if you do you will never know what the next door held."
I had said it over and over again but when He reminded me of my own medicine I did not want to take it. But curiosity is a powerful incentive.
"It doesnt apply to this case" I argued and excused. As I found myself starting to wedge a new piece of clay.
"I don't want to fail again God" I begged as I slammed by clay on the wheel.
"If I can't get this done I will fail the class" I reminded as I struggled to center the clay in a perfect lump on the rotating wheel.

I hardly dared to breath as I let my fingers make thier initial descend into the center of the soft mud. I wanted to make it right this time. Slowly I built it up - gently pulling from the bottom and pulling it up slowly, shaping it into its designed position.

I measured it and i knew it was either 8 in or at least very very close. But I didn't dare trust myself. I waited until the teacher wheeled over on his office chair and gave his approval.

"Its above 8 inches" he said Testingly.
"So i can destroy it?" I asked dryly - i was happy but exhausted and the room was still spinning.
"Or you could turn it into a bowl" he said with a twinkle in his eye.
My chin Hit the floor. I had not even thought of this possibility.  I stared at him - apparently looking very disbelieving becuase he proceeded to show me how it could be done and helped me shape it just right to fit my next project that was due.

It was a Miracle in my book that I had accomplished the silly cylinder in the first place, but at the end of the night when i wrapped my bowl in a plastic bag and set it proudly on my shelf I thanked God for using my own medicine on me to give me the last little push I needed to make it through today.  Little miracles do big things for simple faith.


Back of every creation, supporting it like an arch, is faith. Enthusiasm is nothing: it comes and goes. But if one believes, then miracles occur.
Henry Miller

Sleep

I need sleep. Not feeling grand- but i had a great day :)  went to a "back to childhood" birthday party - it was fun :)

anyways sleep is the best medicine - after laughter - so goodnight!!

I love sleep. My life has the tendency to fall apart when I'm awake, you know?
Ernest Hemingway

Epic day!

So yeah its Saint patties day and a ton of people are doing all sorts of stupid things that they will regret later, but Cest la vie !

I had an amazing day,  last night my broth and mimi drove up from Florida all night to come see me. It made me sooo incredibly happy :) I was super excited to see him :) we got to spend a bunch of time together and while i could have used a whole lot more i feel so revitalized and happy from just having some chill time. We walked around down town Chattanooga (something i had been really wanting to do for a while), ate at Ci ci's pizza, and just had time to talk and goof around.
I also got to go on a walk with my friends and it was just in essence a super good day. :)

Live life - its much better than the alternative - unknown. 

Spring

Spring is here. Sunshine, leaves, green grass and beautiful flowers all proclaim it. It has been supper nice the last few days that as a run from class to class to be able to see the change on campus, almost every day i get new flowers from my Father (see previous posts - I think Feb 13 ish) and its just lovely.
However. With spring comes showers, and apparently this part of the united states seems to be blessed with epic thunderstorm showers.
Last night there was one brewing for sometime and when it broke I think just about every person on campus noticed. Rain, lighting, thunder, and HAIL were mixing up  (and then falling down) out of the sky. It was amazing.

So today in the after math there wasn't any damage with the buildings, cars etc. But the evidence of the storm was screaming from the sheds of plants scattered on every cross way, and the beaten weary look from every blade of grass and once leafy bush. In some ways it was kind of sad to see it all gone. But then, as i was walking tonight, honestly not paying any attention at all, I wondered past a flowering bush I had admired previously. Before the storm this bush had been laden with little white flower clusters and it stood out tall and proud, but after the storm it was ragged and torn. The ground around it was covered in factions of leaves and broken blossoms.

 However it wasn't its ragamuffin appearance that caught my attention, for it had almost left my vision completely when I stopped, it was its smell. That bush, as haggard as it was, smelled like heaven.  Fresh, clean, oh it was wonderful! I stopped abruptly and turned around to consider it as I savored its scent. Then He explained it. That bush was beautiful to all outward appearances it was as perfect as it could get. But He (God) could see deeper than what meets the eye, He knew of its hidden perfume. But how to get the fragrance  released? -Through a storm. Through the drumming of the rain, and the beating of the hail, that bush was forced to let out its hidden beauty.

Now then I dont believe that God purposely dishes out bad things to humans as a source of entertainment or manipulation, but I do believe that He uses the bad for good. Its still sad that the bush had to be broken in order for that beauty to come out, that is not how it was purposed to be in the beginning. Its the consequences of living on a sinful planet that calls for such treatment.  Yet even though it was not Gods plan or original idea, He makes use of the "hard stuff" - Not only for plants, but for stubborn humans as well.

Flowers... are a proud assertion that a ray of beauty outvalues all the utilities of the world.
Ralph Waldo Emerson

Life in general.

So back to yesterday. It was a pretty average wed, School, work, cat nap, prayer meeting and then, A bible study! (or more of a bible discussion) I went with a friend to a contacts house and it was pretty epic. The guy was friendly and very much a joker of sorts. First he started off by teasing me about being "about 30 right?" and then continued to question if i was "with" my friend, or if i had a boy friend, etc.  But then he said something that stuck out to me. "So your picky then..." to which i responded "i perfer to call them standards"

Honestly after reflecting, i really like me answer (just a tad bit proud possibly...) but it really made me think and pull out the ol' list. It has kinda sat in a corner for a while so it was interesting to bring it out and check for editions etc.
Yet thinking about the list also brings up memories (as most things do)  of people telling me either, 1. never settle for X Y Z or 2. You are never going to find anyone. --- and honestly at times I have listened to both parties, and made both good and bad choices from each. (bad choice from #1 ? yes. if I shouldn't "settle" then a simple lowering of standards makes this crush more "acceptable"  - oh the illogical thoughts of infatuation.)  It was all  Extremely dramatic at the time, but fairly bemusing in the rear-view mirror.  

Cest la vie - (such is life) --  Like my quote from yesterday I don't have a lot of experience, and all the more reason to be careful.

"Dance with God, for He will let the right man cut in" - Unknown

Mornings.

I am getting up early tomorrow to finish some papers etc... today was good and i esspecially enjoyed my evening-- but i will have to explain it tomorrow...

I'm not very experienced with boys or the whole dating thingy.
Vanessa Hudgens

Decisions

Maybe its just me but I have serious mental angling problem. I can totally convince myself on one topic and decided that "this is right" and then switch to the opposite decision in a matter of hours. Its terrible really. Like a constant pendulum in my brain back and forth, X impression/reasoning casts a light that makes the shadows and highlights this way, move the light and its all different. BAH!... Cest la vie.  Someday I will Fly.

In any moment of decision, the best thing you can do is the right thing, the next best thing is the wrong thing, and the worst thing you can do is nothing.
Theodore Roosevelt

Life as it is.

and some days i wonder what exactly i thought i was going to accomplish when i got up this morning...  :O !!!! *as one friend would define it today was close pretty much unprofitable*

oh well On a better note i really enjoyed playing racquetball with some friends this afternoon - I honestly forgot about some troubles and enjoyed myself. :)  Ah praise God for the happy spots found in each day  :) 

But the time of forgetting is past and i have a deadly test in Psych tomorrow... I might pass... then again maybe not... bed is sounding like heaven since the morning is coming rapidly... 

Good night. 

It is love, not reason, that is stronger than death.
Thomas Mann

Purpose and plans

Purpose and planning- two very key things in the foundations of life. As a kid I remember the classic question "what will you be when you grow up?" I don't remember many of my answers, but i do remember always wondering how I was suppose to know. Some things don't change. How is anyone suppose to know exactly what they are suppose to do?

However I think this is where the beauty is as well - in the questions that is. If we knew exactly how life was suppose to be - like a paint by color art, then there would be very little variety in the art of life. So while at times I long for the step-by-step directions and numbers, I have faith that in the end i WILL appreciate vibrant and shadowing colors in a more individual arrangement also known as my life... One day it will make sense, for now the key is to keep moving even when I don't know what I am running myself into, or exactly where I am going.

"We are all Broken and wounded in this world. Some choose to Grow stronger at the broken places" ~ Harold J. Duarte. 

I am alive

I am alive for the random record if anyone is wondering, due to my lack of posts. Due to the crazy schedule of break I just haven't had time to write ... Cest la vie ( French)

Growth?

So we are on spring break for a little over a week, so far it has been amazing. Anna and I have kept ourselves occupied by boating (or more of paddling) on a Little lake, climbed trees, fixed (or tried to fix) a swing, etc etc :)

It's been nice to unwind and do some reflection. The biggest topic has been in communication. It's such a simple principle to be honest and talk to people... It started with a wise fried challenging me to open up and not only apologize, but identify the problems and find solutions By being a living example... (actions and words combined = an unequivocal impression)
After that it seems God had a domino effect set up, because in my relations with person after person I am feeling more compelled to talk straight with them, apologize for my part and in general grow and be more mature about life in general. I still have a whole lot of room to grow however the beauty of a plant comes through the little bits of growth.

"How wonderful it is that nobody need wait a single moment before starting to improve the world." - Anne Frank

Driving and learning

So today marked the end of mid semester of second term. I managed to get through all my classes (barely) and then said goodbye to friends and our 9 hour journey began...

But more than just driving Ended up doing a lot of reflecting ( funny how driving makes me relax and think) but is super late (or early depending on how u look at it) so I Will make time tomorrow to share... Anyways I'm exhausted- Good night

"I feel like I am diagonally parked in a parallel universe" - author unknown