Lessons from the Clay- perseverance and thanksgiving.

Once again another Monday evening dedicated to pushing and pulling, folding and shaping, pounding and smoothing the clay. Dust is mixed in with the air as the class struggles to make this gooey mass into a masterpiece. 

Over and over I threw down my lump of dirt, again and again it didn't work. 

BAM! - it hardly shifted.

BAM! - it folded wrong 

BAM! BAM! BAM!  Then it would look perfect for just a second, until I attempted picking it up off the table to shape it into a vase, in which case it promptly tore from being too think in one area, and too thick in another. 

If there is one key lesson in pottery it's perseverance. I tried over and over to get that lump of clay into the shape I had imagined. As I threw it repeatedly I got honestly a bit frustrated with it, but it all worked out and in the end, I really like my vase. 

You know what? I wonder how horrible life would be if God got frustrated with us and decided not finish. = no Bueno. He loves us so much and yet so often I can talk to Him in the morning, and before each meal, but after that I disconnect due to the busyness of my day, all the while He is waiting there to form me into His perfect creation. 

Goal - be a thankful lump of dirt. 

And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ. ~ Paul of Tarsus. Philippians 1:6

Study day.

Ha so today started off with Anna taking off to work way before the time I was even considering getting up, the problem is that the sun decided to break though the window at about the same time. Fail. I started mumbling to myself when I thought that she left the light on, until I realized that it was a light that wasn't going to be effected by a simple switch. Sooo I decided that devotions would be a better use of the sunshine and then carried on with my day...

Sundays are pretty much study days - thus the title for today, i managed to get about half of my HW done for Tuesday,  ideally tomorrow I can conquer the other half. :) But something interesting i did realize today was that as i was working on my IDAK test (a super inclusive / detailed Career test) I starting looking back at my answers and seeing the trends that are starting to form.  I don't Know what results will come back on this career test, but no matter what it says I should or should not do, I do know I have learned and reflected through the process. What are my principles? When held to a point, what is more important to me? At the end of the day, what is # 1 on my thoughts/goals. I know that the test says that there are no wrong answers but if there is no wrong, then is there anything that is right?
Anyways lots of pondering, and plenty of distractions to follow as I seem to have spent almost as much time analyzing my responses as I did actually Responding. 

But one of my "bird trails"  actually led to a sort of understanding. - I am not a volunteer  leader. If you come to a group lets say and I happen to be in it and ask "Oh can someone lead X Y Z or whatever" I probably will not answer until that awkward and uncomfortable silence comes, and when i am sure that there is no one else that WANTS to do it, I will go for it, but other wise I am very rarely the first one to volunteer in a group setting.  HOWEVER, if you come to me and say "hey I need help with X Y Z" I will do as much as I can to fill that need or find someone else who can help, and in special cases i can orchestrate/ lead a group of people to get a certain task done. But for some reason the only way I get compelled to do this is if it is conveyed to my mind that if I don't there is a high chance No one will. This odd perspective has definitely  effected the way I have gone about my life, if I feel needed, then as long as i have to be there I will be. This is good in some ways - as one person put it the other day I have serious amounts of loyalty or something like that. However as with any strong trait on this earth, there is a negative as well; doormat syndrome. Ever since I was young I have been told that I was just a doormat, by people who meant it as a way to propel me into something "better" but it seemed to have the opposite affect, for the longest time deep inside I seriously believe that that was all I was and ever would be.  Slowly I have come to a better understanding of boundaries and how they work, while still maintaining my loyalty ideals. Its an interesting journey and I know I am far from the end of it but the beautiful thing is knowing that God will use me whether I am a doormat or a door, just as long as I have a willing heart. 

There is a delicate balance of putting yourself last and not being a doormat and thinking of yourself first and not coming off as selfish, arrogant or bossy. We spend the majority of our lives attempting to perfect this balance.
— Cindy L. Teachey, “Building Lifelong Relationships” 1994

A really fun day...

The sentence above is probably the best way to describe the last few hours. I haven't laughed so much at myself or others in a LONG time :) it was just amazing clean happy fun as a random group of friends bubbled on and on, sometimes on serious topics( the R word.), sometimes about cats playing fiddles, violins and base guitars.
Some day, sometime i know i will miss times like these, but for now i am going to enjoy every moment.  From Sabbath school to some much needed "girl" talk in the dorm it was just an amazing day :) For now there are many questions, many unknowns, and yet I have so many opinions and yet one day I know that I will look back and laugh at all the stuff I thought i "knew" about this life that i have yet so little lived.

Against the assault of laughter nothing can stand.
Mark Twain

Flying.

What would it be like to fly? I dont know what it would feel like physically but after tonight i know what it feels like on the inside.

Have you ever run or fought something for so long that you cant even remember why? or even Who you are fighting against? its pretty much worthless to fight against God - its a basic knowledge, yet somehow i manage to get myself into these LONG fights that stretch on for months. i get to the point where i develope a very good ear, at selective hearing. I run about my life, sometimes listening and then watching amazing things happen (LE leadership, SALT, SAU.) and then other time i clamp my hands over my ears and run in spirals trying to ignore the sound of my Fathers calling.
Sometimes i do both. I will be right in the midst of where He wants me and yet refusing to take that next step. Let me be first to say that I am a stubborn fool. However, that truth alone proves to ME that there is a God who cares about me. He  knows I'm stubborn and so with 20/20 hindsight I can see where He started a battle a LONG time ago.

"GO"
Its a simple direction and yet one that i refused to listen to. Go? - sure I'll go, but not till later, not till I'm done with school, Not till I'm married, etc etc etc. But the funny thing about a one word directive is that there is no room for interpretation, not if I'm being Honest with myself and my God. As much as i have said, "Oh God should and is first is my life" Lalala sunshine and roses we have been fighting behind closed doors per say. Looking back i have NO idea exactly where this fight began... almost a year ago now, i had completed all the paper work that was needed to be a SM with AFM. I was accepted etc, my name is still in their system i had one more paper and a deposit and voila i would have been on my way. But when i came up to that cliff  I could NOT jump. I couldn't even crawl.  And while it sounds horrible I'm glad I didn't.

Would God still have used me if i had? Yes I believe He would have, but here is where His wisdom comes in. He Knew that I would balk as I came up to that edge, He Knew that I would swing out as far away from what He wanted, He knew i would get hurt but He also Knew i would come back. He knew that i would NOT want to lead a canvassing group, but He also knew that through various circumstances that I could be edged into it. He knew that I wanted to go to Union, but He also knew how to get my attention and lead me to SALT. and through SALT to southern,  bit by bit the Master Artist took the various random broken pieces of glass of my life and started to etch His masterpiece.
Currently I don't know exactly where this Master piece is going but i have this crazy feeling that it includes finally full filling the original command - Go

Through this realization and in MANY ways surrender, i feel like im flying. yes I am quite possibly flying into a really dark and scary storm but this time, i will not balk. God willing I will find my call and I will, I will "GO"

Please pray for me as I take on this next step in my Journey, it wont be easy, but it will be worth it.

Whether you believe you can do a thing or not, you are right.
Henry Ford

Study, work, PLAY, sleep, repeat

 Two things for today, which I knew before, but hadn't experienced in awhile.
1. Going to bed early and getting up early is worth while. I can get twice the amount of work done in an hour in the morning than an hour in the evening; mainly due to all the perfect things that can distract me in the evening :).

2. Exercise brings about Energy. - when done in moderation. This evening I went jogging, played some racquetball, and then went jogging a little more - it wasn't much, maybe 35 min total,  but it was enough to give me enough energy to be typing this out instead of sleeping... which i should probably do soon due to the work i have in the morning...  :)

Somehow I really do believe that this is how God originally made life to be... even if I fail to apply it on a regular basis.

Early to bed and early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and wise. ~ Ben Franklin.

One day closer to Friday.

Somehow that's what life seems to be dragging out to be. I have MANY things to do right now and to be honest i'm going to take my dads advice, go to bed early and wake up at some crazy hour to do it, because I am beyond a little overwhelmed due to some unhappy news about grades blah... maybe after i finish my homework tomorrow AM i can manage to write what I wanted to on here, but for now, good night.

Yes, As the day turns into night, keep your worries out of sight. Close your eyes and go to sleep, All the goooood times are yours to keep. Sweetest dreams & Good Night. ~ Unknown

A very engaging day, and more thoughts on Courage.

Today was exhausting and busy. I have been "going" since before 8 am and didn't finish all outside required engagements until 7:30 pm. Then happy homework and soon bed. 

I know I had planned to write about something particular but as often happens when I get this tired, I can't remember. Anyways, on to something I do remember. 

Some particularly chirpy student was humming "Courageous" by Casting Crowns, as he sauntered past me as I worked in Brock Hall. The song started me thinking about Courage and an experience from last summer when I was working for the Carolina conference as a Literature Evangelist Jr leader...

It had been a long summer, and we were only 2 weeks from the end. We had effectively been kicked out of most of our near by territory and in a last ditch attempt to make it we spontaneously went on a group wide satellite (so more of a transplant)  for one week. I was beyond exhausted and was really struggling on focusing on reading the maps/getting good territory. After one long colporteur Friday I was ready to crash and managed to get all of my girls in the little room we were sharing. They guys happened to have other plans, they were laughing and carrying on, like they normally did I suppose, the main difference was that there was a very thin wall between their room and ours. I decided that for my sake and the sake of my girls I needed to ask them to quiet down. However as they continued with their jokes they decided to make an impromptu song and proceeded to poke fun at all the leaders as they added random verses. Just as I reached their door to knock and ask them to "tone it down" they reached my name. My hand stopped mid motion and I just listened to them. 

While I don't remember what they said, nor do I hold it against them, it was the straw that broke the camels back. I shrunk away from the door like an injured animal and headed for the comfort of the stars. I slipped out the door and curled up next to the van and bawled. I was too tired to sleep, too tired to do anything. I had a whole list of complaints to bring to my Heavenly Father and I was determined to get them squared away. "Why did You bring me here? What purpose do I have here? I'm not helping, they think X, Y Z of me!"  Etc etc.  One heavy shovel  full of disappointment after another. 

As I sat out there talking to my Father, one student happened to get up for the restroom. He was one of our older students (older than me) and when he saw me crying etc, he came over and asked what was wrong, I tried to doge the question but his persistence won out and I finally caved, and in as few words as possible explained why I was broken.  

I had brought my bible out with me with intentions of reading it after I was done, however as I explained myself he started flipping through it. 

Finally when I stopped explaining he read Joshua 1:9 

^"9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged, for the LORD your God will be with you wherever you go.”"

Then he proceeded to Explain that with the promise, God didn't say it would be easy. Rather God said to have COURAGE because it was not going to be easy. In essence, if it was going to be easy God wouldn't have encouraged Joshua to be courageous. Also he had me note that God did not explain what would happen but rather, no matter what happened, God would be there. 

I have never forgotten my students' strong lesson that night. I needed to hear it and I have referenced back to it several times. Life is full of "scary" shadows and there are plenty of "impossible" tasks that face me daily but God is there to give me strength and courage, all I have to do is surrender to Him and Trust Him to make it right in the end. 

How few there are who have courage enough to own their faults, or resolution enough to mend them.
Benjamin Franklin

Post # 21. (and the start of Ceramics)

Well they say that if you do something 21 times you have a chance of making it more of a habit, and so in the near future (today or tomorrow ) i will be posting my blog more publicly... this will be odd and possibly  awkward but that was a part of the purpose for the resolution anyways, so I am going to make a go of it.

So today i had my first ceramics class. wow. i thought i would just be happily (or more of boringly) painting little statues etc, but NO  instead i am making the pots, that i will be able to "glaze" later... :O Lots and LOTS of work for a simple 1 hr credit for some ridiculous fine arts requirement. however one thing is for sure, all the massaging and messing with the clay is very relaxing until my muscles started knotting.

Well it gives a whole new meaning to IS 64:8. He, the God of the Universe, takes time to knead out me, a stubborn lump of clay. Lots of effort must be put into this first step of making anything useful. As i was working on my clay I couldn't help but Thank Him for all the effort He puts into my life (and everyone else's)... :)


"Some men must follow, and some command, though all are made of clay." ~ Henry Wadsworth Longfellow.

a restful, thought-filled, day.

Ahh I know that God knew that i needed this day. pretty much the day consisted of doing homework at a leisurely pace, reading, some journal time, lots of relaxing reading, browsing a book store and a few other random items. it was really just one of those days that brought me so much peace with Him and with current storms. As I talked i finally opened my heart and cried out so many things that had been burdening me for the last few weeks (Christmas break till present) . over and over i had tried to battle off waves of temptation of worthlessness, abandonment and serious yet short bouts of depression. And He was so patient, so kind, SO incredibly loving. He listened and helped me work through it, hugs, courage and strength were only some of  the amazing gifts He gave me today (and actually they are gifts He has given the whole way through)... Ahhh! I wish i could form it in words all the long talks on varied topics we had today but as pastor Smith said "Our relationship with God is not always explainable"  so I wont bore/ confuse you and try to explain it any more... <3

One more note : After a day like today there is temptation to try to focus on just what answers or solutions i procured  from all of my devotional time. While No i do not have all the answers, in fact I'm fairly sure i have more questions than before, i have about twice the peace, and enough strength to propel me into this next week and enough trust in Him so that i Know He will get me through it :)

Okay ONE MORE (hehe) before bed, i really don't know where i would be with out prayer. It truly is the breath of the soul and yet often i know i am in dire need of more each day. Several friends knew that i was hitting a rough spot in my journey over these last few days and i know they prayed for me. Good friends are hard to find but I'm just starting to realize that there are more of them, when one actually stops to be a lot more real and a little less guarded. mm Grr... It just easier sometimes to help/ listen to other rather than opening up and being exposed. eh, tis an interesting dilemma, but not one that will ever leave while im still on this earth i suppose...



"Though our feelings come and go, Gods love for us does NOT. " ~ C.S. Lewis
 

Pondering thoughts.

wow what a Sabbath. it was good. tiring at times but over all good. we went to the southern glow party. it was interesting. My favorite line of the night was -"No dancing, if you must dance there are hula hoops." - LOL such a typical Adventist response to possible sin I suppose. Its an interesting culture that i live in. Some things are "okay" if done in such and such way but absolutely sinful if done in X Y Z fashion. honestly it just seem like a bunch of junk to me. I wonder who it was that decided that hula hooping was a good option for those people who are rythmatically inclined as they blasted techno music that started out fine but slowly progressed in to a heavier beat as the evening wore on. I don't know maybe its just my out dated mind. But why play dancing music, and lower the lights/add dancing lights, and then say NO dancing? personally at various times in my past i have found appropriate times to dance - in my room alone with no one around as a perfect example - and its a wayyy different dancing than the cultural norm of today. But what really escapes me why people decided that they can get as close to a worldly aspect of culture and yet sanction it to make it Adventist approved. (and after about an hour and a half and with the gradual degrade of music people were dancing all over anyways.)  Well it certainly gave me plenty to think about, in other news i tried the hula hoop and enjoyed that (happy memories of childhood achievements, and some serious respect for anyone who can do it well.), introduced a friend to a bouncy castle (she had NEVER been in one - sad!) so we enjoyed that as well..

Dancing is like dreaming with your feet!  ~Constanze

Controversy

Personally i believe in God and in the devil. that being said i also believe that these two are at war and the battle ground is this planet  called earth. Not only do i believe this but i also believe that Their battle is not on such a wide scale that it is only fought in masses of people or big catastrophic events. No, I believe that it is a war that is evidenced through the little details and even personal lives of every individual. I believe this because I saw and felt the battle today.

I will spare you the details of this particularly draining day, it will suffice to say that it was anything but easy.

As an example, imagine with me a tug a war game, two teams fighting with all of their might to win a person. As they struggle and sweat, seconds seem like hours and the rope of a person only seems to stretch every fiber but neither side seems to gain an obvious lead. Then suddenly through some especially strong jerks this "rope" is yanked closer to one side, then as if in direct rebuttal the other side pulls some of the same tactics but with greater steadier strength. As time wears on neither side gives up but there is One side who has the perseverance and patience enough to most certainly be noted as the stronger side. However, even though the other team knows that that they have ALREADY lost, the other side just jerks and strains all the more on that rope, over an over they yank and pull, attempting if at all possible to break the grip that the One has on the rope, they began to focus on various forms of trickery and disillusions of failure in a last ditch attempt to break the rope, destroy it entirely, because by doing so they will inflict pain on the other Team. This battle rages all day, and yet in the end, as long as the "rope" refused to give in, refuses to break but instead chooses to persevere with the stronger team as lead, he/she will survive because the One who made the rope is on the winning side and He will restore and rebind that rope in the end.


This battle was played out today for me in a more vivid way than normal. One second I was being jerked into horrible memories and tough put-downs of discouragement, next i was being lifted by smiles, hugs, and probably most importantly to me, straight words of encouragement. Over all different scales of importance and at various times I can look back on today and see where it was been a battle. And Praise the Lord that for today, He has won, I only pray and  more importantly trust that this will be the outcome no matter the rage of the battle. He already won the war, the key now is letting Him win the little daily battles.

“When the waves are taking you under, Hold on just a little bit longer. He knows that this is gonna make you stronger, stronger. The pain ain't gonna last forever, And things can only get better. Believe me, This is gonna make you stronger” ~ “Stronger” by Mandisa 

And this is how the cookie crumbles (on Tuesdays & Thursdays)

So i have a feeling that my postings on Tuesdays and Thursdays will be generally shorter, not because of inactivity but rather because for the opposite reason. I have my first class at 8 am and then I am running till 7:30 pm when i get off work. I'm so tired it isn't even funny but that's life i suppose. I want to be at an Adventist school so it is a sacrifice that comes with that desire, worth it.

Anyways in other news, today i saw a male cardinal  with his mate and it made me smile. i thought he was very pretty before alone, but today i realized most anyone is better with someone else. For now i have God and some of the best friends in the world maybe sometime in the future there will be someone special but for now its okay... (haha i think February is coming, so i apologize in advance but at the same time i recognize that with the culture that i live in it would more abnormal for me not to care...)

Okay, I'm super tired, Good night.

“Love is the answer At least for most of the questions in my heart.  Why are we here? And where do we go?  And how come it's so hard? It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, It's always better when we're together.”   ~ Jack Johnson quote

Busy

. instead of writing much here i need to quickly blog, then memorize Canada (Geography class) and then Get some shut eye. In short i have been a busy person all day, so here is a quick sketch of the day.

• devotion on david and golioth, decided tht by Gods grace i would face my giants today (and wow did HE ever come through for me :) ) <3
•  Ate breakfast = most important meal and a necessity. 
• Had an interview with Indian River Camp and Camp K. =  i liked both but K will not work out but she encouraged me to follow this, focusing specifically on being a counselor because she sees good qualities as such (since my love language is words of affirmation this totally made my day) 
• found out there was a job opportunity across campus, i took off with my best friend and after a whole bunch of running around to offices and such we officially landed ourselves in Janitorial jobs, I really like my boss and while to some janitorial work may seem menial i tend to like it because i have time to think in relative silence and peace because very few people ever both to notice or talk to a janitor (which i do think should change but its a topic for another time) 
• Barely had time to eat a little lunch
• Went to my one class for today: racquetball, and enjoyed it however the one skills test will be problematic, 500 jumps in 5 min with a jump rope, im not a great jump roper but i hope to practice and then pass at the end of the semester. 
• Play some racquetball with a friend, it was fun and a good way to apply what we had just covered in class. 
• Had another camp interview for a camp in Carolina, i think i like this one or the Indian river best. the director was quiet and "strict" but i could tell he had a kind heart. i think would really learn a lot by working with and for him. 
• Got final green light on job. 
• Ate dinner. 
•  did a paper for Intro to Ministry. 
• Went to worship - didn't get credit because i remembered too late, but it was worth going. a Personal testimony is the strongest argument for conviction - no one can argue with someone else's story. 
• went star gazing with my best friend until we about turned into ice cubes - Brrrrr.... 
• and now i am typing this then off to Canada (in a sense) and then to bed :) 

A perfectly Lovely busy day. 

As busy as I claim to be, I've still got the greatest job in the world.
Peter Criss

Choice

Today I was particularly convinced in my devotions on a specific thought-  "Today is a good day by Choice, not by fate" -and after attacking it from various angles I think that it is a worthy banner for any weather that traverses life.
If life is good and i am especially happy, great, i still have a choice to embrace it.
If life is bad and i am especially unhappy, or sad due to painful circumstances, i still have a choice in what my day will be like - more particularly in my attitude.
If life is average (as it is most days) i can choose to have a good day and instead of slipping to a slough of mundanity, i can pick the high road and search for little things to make the day good, and to Praise God for.

You have a choice. Live or die. Every breath is a choice. Every minute is a choice. To be or not to be.
Chuck Palahniuk

Service

Why serve? In a world that is so often focused on a pyramid structure of making others raise you up.
So why serve? Well im sure it is  a much longer answer then i presently care to dedicated my time to currently, so maybe that will be a topic of later discussion on a particularly inspirational  dry day. 

In short today we as a college did community service. It was fun and worth it. At first to be honest i thought of a billion reasons why i did not need to get out of bed. But I am glad i did :)  We went door to door, and there is something about that particular way of reaching out to people that i have a very dramatic love hate relation to. Anyways it was good, worthwhile. since then i have taken naps, terrorized my roommate and generally avoided Homework. = fairly good way to spend the holiday.
Speaking of Holidays its,  Martin Luther King JR day. Dreams were meant to be lived, and I hope that his one day will be, but according to my bible that wont fully happen until Jesus comes.

The best way to find yourself is to lose yourself in the service of others.
Mohandas Gandhi

Courageous

Today consisted of doing homework -.- and hanging with friends  :)

We went to go see Courageous at the discount theater before it disappeared with the release of the Dvd on Tues. I had seen it before on opening weekend, but there was something about the second time through that made it better.

The movie follows at least 5 different key character based stories and then some mixed plots between actors. The first time i had to pay attention to each, the second time not so much. I knew which ones are applicable to my life the most and so focused my attention on them to see what lessons i could draw. It was worth it.

I have 2 Amazing Fathers. Both my heavenly and earthly have done all that they ever could to protect, guide, and love me. While i fight and argue with both ( yes i argue with God - i don't recommend it - He alwayssss wins) I love them dearly - thus probably why argue with them because i know that in the end pretty much anything i say wont destroy each has the love for me and in some strange part of my scrambled psyche it makes me feel secure - ANYWAYS.  I am super blessed to have both of them in my life.

That being said, Since most of the movie is focused on the Father relationship you might be wondering how any of the stories could be more applicable etc.  Here's the deal, I don't have as strong of relations with both of my mothers. One is Biological and While she means well now (i think), when i was young she was not safe for me and my brother, so the court got involved and voila no motherly connections for many years. we are in the baby stages of relations and as a side note i am not looking for, nor do i expect a "movie ending:" -(character is separated from parents and eventually finds them and after some sort of trouble everything gets fixed story line) No- that's not how real life is. -

That being said, after not having a mother figure for several years, my dad promised me when i was in the second grade that he would find me a mom - (long story behind this that maybe on some random day i can fill in) Enter, Jennifer, My step mom of whom Wins the title of Mom in my life and vocabulary. My Mom has really made our family more structured, which like foundations in a house may be tedious and taxing, it is needed. Rules and regulations were needed and while i seemed to have dedicated plenty of time to getting around these rules, and cunningly not getting caught, they were there for the good of all. While Mom and I most definitely do not see eye to eye there is a lot to respect in any woman that comes into a very dysfunctional family. She stepped in and took the reigns of a carriage on the road to disaster and has always tried to turn it to a better road, which road that is, and how reigns should be turned can certainly be argued but in the end " 'tis the thought that counts."  And i do respect her especially on how she runs her family now (little half siblings etc.)  even though it doesn't always appear so...

Anyways the take home lesson for me was two fold. While I might not have a great example of how a family should be, or how a mother is suppose to act, i can someday marry, have kids, and be the mother they need so that they can "take off" per say into their own happy lives. However, developing that mother to be is something i need to do now, I need to have a strong connection with my Heavenly Father, and learn the ways of mothering that He intended. - this is now a goal/focus.

Secondly this movie in particularly, had a lot to do with emotions. One scene I'm crying next i'm Laughing, then repeat. Its really emotionally exhausting and probably not the best for some people... the key being that in life there are good days, bad days. Rain, and sun. Joy, and tears. but in the grand scheme of things, it is survivable, i Can move on, more importantly i can change somethings, and the things that i cant change, i can live with. God made us (the human race) very adaptable, and while some seem to always choose to embrace the freedom that comes with a positive outlook, i will admit i do not always choose to do so. Emotions are great things, powerful, and needed. but at the end of the day i cant base my life on the emotions i feel,  some days i wake up with pain due to nightmares of time past, but that does not mean i have to succumb to "fate" and feel that way all day. I have a choice.

I can choose to be Courageous. I can choose to make each day the best that it can be. With the help of my heavenly Father i can embrace water like adaptability and carry on through this life and then strive through the eternal one.

Courage doesn't always Roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying "I will try again tomorrow" ~ Mary Anne Radmacher

Yesterday

So last night I was too exhausted to post sooo I'm making it a priority this morning :)

Yesterday I went to a new church it was nice they seem to have a very strong outward focus, which in my book is very close to #1need for any truly living church. Afterward as friends we decided to go hiking on a near by Mt, great idea, would have been better with out a hurt ankle but adventure sometimes has a steep price (lol one Tht I am regretting to pay right now but I wouldn't trade the memories so I suppose my body will have to get over it...) we started off just wandering on a somewhat familiar trail the. split to a less familiar one, and finally struck out on one Tht was unknown to anyone in our party. Conversation was merry ESP. As we teased one another about various attributes. We did get pretty lost at one point where te leader missed the switchback and continued forward on a deer trail of sorts, unroll it abruptly ended, it wasnt until we retraced our steps Tht we found where the real trail went and then established a different leader.

After we finally made it to the castle (pictures yet to come) we went to the t social event one our checklist, Quelf. The ultimate game of randomness , odd quirks and laughter. I arranges the get together for a class assignment on leadership. I think it went well, personally I'm exhausted from the stress of it. I over analyze bigger social groups and spend my time reading person after person trying to keep a very happy atmosphere. If there is one thing I have learned from my family, is Tht in a social setting with a group tht is less than 20, the atmosphere can be changed in seconds. Esspecially if key people get upset. (parents, the "popular" people, and anyone who has a large amount of ethos) At home this key person was my stepmom. The party last night varied, there was only one spot where the YouTube video had to be changed but otherwise the valence was well kept :) like I said I probably over analyze but it all went well either way.

Ok well I'm off to start a new day of adventures, till next time.

"Adventure is out there!" Carl on "Up"

A rest.

Sabbath is here, Rest, fellowship, peace, rejuvenation etc. Its the perfect way to end one week and start another.
So Tonight we went to Joe's house, made and drank smoothies, ate popcorn and cuties, then we had a devotional on dedication and purpose.

In Short,  Satan claimed that unselfish love is impossible, he said that God only had laws for the sole purpose of control, ie. for His own benefit, thus accusing God of being selfish.
God is on trial. Satan has accused the maker of the universe of something dark, has led a rebellion of pain and suffering.
Because i am a Christian, a Follower of God, it is my duty and calling to disprove this claim. It is my goal and determination to prove that while i am not perfect, I can reflect the One who is, and one day HE will change me into His perfect image. My job is to focus on Him.

Let us more and more insist on raising funds of love, of kindness, of understanding, of peace. Money will come if we seek first the Kingdom of God - the rest will be given.
Mother Teresa 

Of Birds,

Today was a rainy (mostly drizzly - bleck )  But the greatest thing caught my eye. A bright Red cardinal singing and fluttering around from thin twig to twig. He seemed to be energized by the weather all most as much as his color contrasted with the sky. I only saw him a brief second or two as i scurried from the dorm to my Geography class. But it was enough to make my day. That little bird seemed to flaunt his fierce determination to be bring despite what the rest of the worlds' color scheme for the day was. Just to suppose that he had a choice in his wardrobe that dingy morning and yet decided with a toss of his beak that he would wear the best contrast color to the otherwise dull sky. Though he didn't have a choice in the matter,  my Father did. And for it i am thankful, and challenged to make the same decision to be bold no matter the rest of the worlds attitude.

A real decision is measured by the fact that you've taken a new action. If there's no action, you haven't truly decided.
Tony Robbins

Rain

it rained today. I love rain. However I do not like all rain. let me explain
I hate the drizzly sprinkling rain that seems to be very unstable and has bi polar qualities as it shuffles back and forth on the lower end of the intensity scale.
I LOVE the hard pounding rain of a true storm that thunders down the streets, bangs on the roofs and tinkles against the window as it gets tossed around by the wind. Then add in some deep thunder and brighter than a camera flash lighting and i am in a mini heaven.

Sometimes I wonder why i am so fascinated with storms. ever since i was a little tyke i would run around in the warm rain of Florida dancing from puddle to puddle "dodging raindrops" . Innocence at its best.

Then as i got older and went through some troubling times i use to climb the 40 ft pine trees at our house during a storm, daring the lighting to strike.

In college and today i seem to have found some middle ground on my fascination, while i still take risks i don't take as stupid of ones, and again i get joy out of awe cord a good storms strikes in my soul.  There is something about good storms that i think i will always enjoy quite possibly for varying reasons through out my life, both good and bad.

But there are more types of storms than physical, my goal is to just be able to weather all the storms in my life and come out with the right Captain at the Helm, Jesus. 

Remember the sufferings of Christ, the storms that were weathered... the crown that came from those sufferings which gave new radiance to the faith... All saints give testimony to the truth that without real effort, no one ever wins the crown.
Thomas Becket

Classes

So its the first day of class and i am as happy as a clam :)
Somehow sitting in a history, psych, and Geography class just made me happy on the inside :)
Its not that i didn't like last semester getting all bible classes, its just this is really what i love and what i am interested in (although i'm sure i wont have as chirpy of an attitude come finals time)
Perspective is everything - and right now i have a very bright outlook as to where i am going - chances are it will rain sometimes along the way, but for now it feels like an eternal summer. Bring on the storms, the clouds, the thunder, yes all of these may come but for now i like the sunshine and joy that i derive from learning :)

And I'd say one of the great lessons I've learned over the past couple of decades, from a management perspective, is that really when you come down to it, it really is all about people and all about leadership.
Steve Case

The last 48+ hrs

wow what a ride. in the last 48 hrs i have:

Packed up my room, finally putting away most "childish" things - in some ways really snapped-more on this later.
Packed for SAU -
Said goodbye to the family until God knows when.
Turned room/house upside down trying to find passport, PTL finally found it...
Got 1 hr of restless sleep (an oxymoron yes, yet a surreal reality.)
Got on a plane
Flew across the country- passing out at every feasible chance.
A friend came to the rescue and picked me up when my previous arrangement fell through.
Got "home" and proceeded to rearrange my van for the next days activities.
Got 5 hrs of sleep - a bit more solid this time.
Baby sat kids for 8 ish hours
Picked up best friend from Airport (AMAZING)
helped her get registered and fought tooth and nail for her to be my roommate (not really that epic of a battle but it sounds cooler that way)
Unpacked, reorganized and in many ways just made the room messier.
Wandered around campus with "happy" maps, trying to figure out where our classes are tomorrow
Ran into some weary travelers (poor guys)
Got back to the dorm and...
Now i have finished surmising my time while simultaneously building my personal defense for not writing.

Happiness is a matter of one's most ordinary and everyday mode of consciousness being busy and lively and unconcerned with self.
Iris Murdoch

Swimming

long day.
swimming was involved which automatically made the day longer...
i don't like swimming much at all but it was nice playing with the little ones.
Swimming takes effort to have the simple gift of breathing. Thus the exhaustion at the end of all the strain. While I am a "good" swimmer i do not revel the idea of swimming  for any extended amount of time. The one exception being when the water is moving (swift rivers, ocean at high tide etc.)
The take home lesson is that in life i can choose to not get in water much but i cannot choose not to swim.
Life is full of  rip-currents and unfathomable depths- it is my duty to be determined to seeing the end, and staying afloat.

"The difference between the impossible and the possible lies in a person's determination." 
Tommy Lasorda 

sisterhood

Today i spent mainly time with sisters and family. the little sisters are amazing girls, in their own way. But looking back on today i think i am just starting to catch a glimpse on the incredible amount that they look up to me. I am the eldest so i have no idea what it is like to look up to a sibling, its a strange concept to me. While i have "adopted" brothers and sisters, some of which are older, i cant say i look up to them in the same amount of devotion i noted today. i love the little girls but a times i do get impatient with them and their endless questions and bountiful energy, at those points i tend to try to push them back - build a fence of protection per say - but somehow some way they always find holes in that fence and manage to get back to making me laugh and smile, no matter how grumpy i was with them. But it isn't always with out tears, in fact  sometimes its the tears that seem to melt the bars and grant them access. lol its crazy but sometimes i KNOW i am learning more from them then  i even bother to try to teach or explain to them. as i look back on today i do have some regrets - i really shouldn't make it so hard for them to love on me, and on that same note i have regrets about my elder younger brother and how i shouldn't have pushed him away so often. i want to be the best mentor/sister that i can and i know i have it in me to do it, but there is a lot of junk between that person and me today. One day at a time i suppose, but Lord knows how much dirt and grime i have to clean.  the quote for today is what i hope i truly am to all my "little" and "big" siblings

An older sister is a friend and defender - a listener, conspirator, a counsellor and a sharer of delights.  And sorrows too.  ~Pam Brown

Another day, another destiny?

Today mainly consisted of chillin with my G parents from my Biological Mothers side - ie the ones i haven't really had a relationship for 14 years... yeah its a pretty crazy situation and awkward at times but its my life what can i say...its life i deal with it. Anyways today was good but mentally taxing yet not physically sooo im tired but cant sleep... terrible situation really... You know sometimes i wonder how God and the Devil ever decide who gets what lot in life, this is mine and i accept it but in the end i realize i have to trust Him with my destiny and make each day the best for what it is...

Actions are the seed of fate deeds grow into destiny.
Harry S. Truman

a little late...

Soo i love this idea of blogging regularly through out the day  i find my self sorting ideas and thoughts to write about on here is an entertaining...

The biggest problem to this is that i tend to forget exactly what i wanted to share. After years of keeping my observations/muses/ thoughts to myself its odd to actually sit and type out some of them (some due to the fact that there will always be some things that never make it out of the maze)

ANYWAYS

from what i can remember i wanted to post about how i shopped at a thrift store the other day. Not that special right? -.- but  yet so wrong.

My whole life i can remember shopping at thrift stores.(and by thrift stores i DO NOT mean the good will, that place is at least semi reasonable at times, no i am referring to the odd shops that dedicate most of their minuscule profits to some humanitarian effort type stores.)  Or more of  being drug from "smelly" store to "stinky" store with whoever happened to have guardianship of me at the time. I HATED it. but never complained or was too obstinate about it- rather i just busied myself by trying to find buried treasure in the mountains of  semi organized junk. I was always super ashamed of always buying there. i don't know why, or what sort of reason i ever had for this dislike or a truer word would be prejudice toward the thrift stores.  i just never liked them.

But something about today changed that. I went in expecting to meander around as normal, appear like i was looking for something and then slip out and explain to my mom that there was "nothing" there.

However as i entered the store and started to make my initial circle i saw the "deals" sign : "70%  off all clothing" - at first i tried to ignore it and continue with my acting but then i through, i have nothing to loose. - and that was all it took. With that thought in mind i started looking a little closer at the racks of jeans, sizing them up to see if any of them might fit me,  both physically and my style. after pretty much no time i found my section selected several pairs and went to the changing rooms. Some fit, some didn't. I nit picketed through them and finally decided on a couple that were worth the couple bucks. I reasoned that in the end as a college student and currently unemployed i really didn't have the amount of pride it took to stick to my guns and refuse this opportunity.

I guess the conclusion of this whole adventure of shopping at a "smelly" store, looking through trying on clothes, and then ultimately buying clothes, reminded me of how things change. Growing up isn't about all the independence, personal opinions, and rebellion. Rather, at least for me, it is about re-examining the past and my previous "opinions" and realizing the realities of life.

I think I'm finally growing up - and about time.
Elizabeth Taylor

First day, New Year

So happy new year. yet today felt fairly mundane if not a bit nostalgic. Pretty much hung around at home, helped mom doing random stuff and then played with the younger ones :)

The best part of the day was getting together with my friends. The ones i grew up with and around when i was little. Imagine this: about 6 friends getting together all in one place for the first time in... well, no one knows exactly how long. Talking, cooking, playing games, pretty much in various levels and ways re connecting with who we were. we all have grown up, gone our different ways. High-school. College. Life in general has put so many varying degrees between us, and yet for those 4 hours we were all back on the same level, talking the same language and laughing the entire time. It was nice, talking about the past, the crazy adventures, and what we really thought of each other. Somehow looking back to past and examining all the memories was a fitting way to start this new year.

Realizing the past. Looking forward to the future.

We do not remember days; we remember moments.  ~Cesare Pavese, The Burning Brand

New Year

So here comes 2012 it seems like Christmas just ended and now I face another ending. Currently I am on the west coast so i have 40 min ish before midnight. I am dedicating this blog to a semi regular recording of my life this next year. Ideally I will make time to write on this blog daily this next year- but I am NOT promising that because I happen to know how these happy resolutions go... but I do want to create some space for a possibility - and so I promise to try.

Cheers! - to a new year and the opening of this blog- A year in this life :)

Year's end is neither an end nor a beginning but a going on, with all the wisdom that experience can instill in us.  ~Hal Borland