Well technically its morning... I'm pullin an all nighter to complete a project for tomorrow. It was a 9 person team- and while my sub group of 3 completed our task in advance, other did not. So here I am trying to prep for a 5 min speech off of someone else's notes... not my cup of tea...
Speaking of tea, its brewing, all hot and steamy... ideally it will give me enough juice to finish all that is set to be accomplished tonight.
And so the question is raised, why am I updating my blog instead of pounding away at my project? - because I need to. There is something about the night, or really any time when all is silent, that I can really think. There is no music playing, no laughing or giggling, no texts or Facebook updates, no distractions, silence. The only noise is self made, fingers tapping on a key board, accompanied by the resounding, deafening, silence.
Slowly I breath in and out, I need to focus on my school, but my mind finds so many other tangles of life to pick apart. I reflect on my teacher conference, i thought it would be a quick 20 min talk, but it quickly expanded to an hours time, and would have continued without the intrusion of previous appointments. I resound with the rhythmic beat of the memory of a well matched, yet relaxing dance of racquetball played earlier today. And then I remember her.
She was pacing back behind the nursing building, tucked nicely in the corner as to be hidden from prying eyes. I was just simply walking to be picked up from work. She kept her hands up by her face, and was clearly upset. I started to walk by, but couldn't. I called out to her but she kept at her furious whirl, oblivious to the world around her. I started to walk away again, but God stopped me with one question.
"If it was you?..."
I didn't even argue, turning around again I slowly edged my way into her well worn path and just waited. It seemed like an eternity as she paused with her back to me, before spinning around to "attack" from a different direction. She stopped suddenly shocked at my appearing, it was a bit of an awkward moment as I begged for the words to say.
"If it was you..", He gently guided.
"Can I give you a hug?". I whispered hesitantly, how was I to know that she would need or what was her way of being encouraged? I had never seen her before! My mind raced as I waited for her brain to process both my intrusion and response.
Instead of an answer with words, she engulfed me in her arms. I hugged her back and just listened to her cry for a bit. Eventually I quietly prayed aloud for God to be with her no matter the storm. After I squeaked out an "amen" (for she had tightened her grip significantly), she slowly began to release me.
I smiled and said my goodbyes, and continued on my way... shrugging off my boss's quizzical gaze as i jumped in the van.
Flash forward to 2 am - technically the next day. I am awake and stressed. A bit lost, a little angry. I started complaining to my Heavenly Father, re hashing the same fears, and pondering the loneliness that silence has a way of emphasizing.
"I could use a hug" I mumble to Him.
"You have one" He responded, along with the memory.
Life isn't all about having someone special there for you all the time, everyone will at some point fail - excluding God that is. Life really boils down to two choices, wait for someone to rescue me, or get off my bum and rescue myself. I can't control the hearts and minds of others, I cannot make or other wise endure someone to love me, but I can love someone else. I can help relieve another persons pain, and while I may not have anyone to relieve mine, there is a balm that comes from this loving of others, that can heal, the choice is mine alone.
But it gets better...The fact is that Someone already has, and forever will love me, for who I really am. In an amazing adventure, full of mishaps and bountiful mistakes I am learning to Love Him as well, and it is His love for me, that gives me strength to love others, and thus to help heal my own wounds - Amazing huh? <3
"The woods are lovely, dark, and deep,
But I have promises to keep,
And miles to go before I sleep,
And miles to go before I sleep. "
~ Robert Frost.
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