Ramblings

(5/22/12 - evening) Mmm so being positive all the time is pretty much impossible, I mean I can be a happy person without being bubbly and what not right?
So I need to vent. Tonight was amazing, I watched a thunderstorm spilt and lightning literally bend around my site - great right? And yet this one little thing bothers me...
Before the meeting tonight I was standing by the side gate of te compound, just watching people pass on by. It's lots of fun, until they see me, a white girl. Some glance at me and look at the ground, their faces kept pretty much emotionless. Others smile and wave (creating more attention) and still others come on over to "talk". However since I don't speak krio, talking can be difficult at best.
Today a man can over and Said in broken English "I like you"
II smile and asked if he had been coming to the meetings,
"no, but I want to be with you" he responded with a look that made my skin crawl. Suddenly I was super thankful for the metal gate and tall wall that was separating us. I conjured up enough of a mask of smile and invite him to the meetings, ignoring whatever he may have been implying. He continued on so finally i got a brilliant idea, I started rambling in spanish! The look of confusion on his face was priceless! Eventually i switched back to english and excused myself to the inner part of the compound.
I Don't know Why this guy has bothered me so much. I have heard the same words before, its not an uncommon experience for a young white girl who is traveling abroad, yet his comments hit me at a deeper level.
I want to be liked and one day lived for who I am, as a person, for my character. Not because I'm white, smart, blonde, pretty etc. not just because of correct "chemistry" or just for some sort of status boost. Nor do I want to be with someone, just to avoid not being with anyone. . .
I know it's a little irrational to go from this one mans comment to the realm of my personal relationships, but tonight that's where it hit hardest.
I am super thankful for a God who knows me, for me, and lives me anyways. I suppose I am kind of spoiled, for there are so many who do not have this assurance of love, and the confidence it brings. Yet I find room for loneliness. Silly, girlie-ish lovesick romantic junk, I know. Yet very real. Anyways I need sleep, Tomorrow is a new day!

"But I won't give up, no I won't break down... I will be strong, even of it all goes wrong... Someone's watching over me"