"Beauty"

Bright fresh mornings,  watching the sunrise from a pristine rock cropping

Relaxing sunsets. 

The rush of accomplishing challenging routes, achieved through perseverance and unrelenting attitude to the rock. 

Following a one lane windy path through the woods.

Breathing in the mist of a dewy morning.

Gazing at the moon and stars from a cliff line high above the river below. 

Freedom and security felt swaying in the wind at the top of a tree

Mesmerizing water dancing over the rocks.

Flickering Flames bringing warmth to both body and spirit

Adventure, Passion, The great Outdoors. 

This is beauty. 

And I am missing it terribly. It has been almost 8 weeks since I have been able to enjoy any of these natural rushes without pain. While I have pushed myself to be able to get a glimmer of the joy it brings me, its not the same.

I had never really stopped to think about what gave me my sense of self worth. If asked that question a few weeks ago I would have supplied some pat answer like "child of the King", but now that I have temporarily lost my ability to move freely and get outside I am finding more than my physical ankle being injured. For years I have wrapped up my self worth based on what I could or could not accomplish - If I tried a new sport I wanted to get to a point where I was as good as I was going to get - Not always in a competitive way but at times that did play into it. A long time ago I started making a conscious effort to focus on improving myself vs comparing to others and by doing so I became critic number one. "the Greatest room in the world is the room for Improvement" has become a mantra of mine and is still a banner I carry on. But not in the way I used too, no instead of a proud strong march forward I have ground to a halt, at times actually sliding backwards instead of onward. 

 Beyond the physical draining of constant pain and extended travel times, I have been drained of spirit. Getting outside and taking that time to be alone in the woods or wherever I can get a breath of fresh air has become my greatest coping tool and I have lost it. 

On another, yet more abstract, note: Many girls may measure their worth on their sex appeal, attractions from the other gender, looking thin and "pretty"- but that really has never been my MO.Yes I do enjoy getting dressed up about once or twice a year, but as a day to day routine dolling up has never made the list. No instead I'm realizing that I have based my personal beauty level on physical abilities instead of dresses and makeup. And so in someways I am really feeling down right ugly. Ugly as I push myself on my knee scooter, ugly loss of muscle in my entire left leg, ugly inability to be independent  Ugly Broken Me.

I find myself bottling up anger, bitterness and frustration. (Writing this post is an effort to spew out this pressure)  Stress levels are shooting upwards and exponential rates and its starting to seep through the masks. I don't know how I'm going to keep going, I don't know Where I will get my strength from or when the pain is going to end. Conclusion? I'm scared of loosing "me" in the midst of this injury.

But its not all fear and darkness. No I still have my memories, my friends, and my hope. While its true I'm drained and a bit of downer now - there are some epic lessons I think I'm starting to get the hang of despite my hard hardheadedness - the biggest one being a lesson of Trust. Not only In God (while He has played a HUGE part in it) but in my Friends who really are more like family. While I have been rude, judgmental, bitter and in all honesty mean spirited these last few weeks, they haven't flinched in their loyalty or support. I can only hope that if the roles were reversed I'd at least be a fraction of as loyal as they have been... The other lesson has been in the straight up qualities of perseverance in HOPE. While things from my view get overwhelmingly gloomy at times, I still have a sense of Hope. Hope that I will see another sunrise come over a valley after an exuberating early morning  hike to the top of a ridge. Hope that I will climb both rocks and trees again. Hope that somehow in some plan that is bigger than I can see, God has a reason for this. And in the mentioning of His name the both lessons come completely and perfectly together - Trust that He has a plan and Hope that all will be well. And so for now my favorite quote comes back into play once again in my day to day life... "I will try again tomorrow" 

“Courage doesn't always roar. Sometimes courage is the quiet voice at the end of the day saying, "I will try again tomorrow.”

Mary Anne Radmacher

For Good.

This last week has been unique. Full of new beginnings and as always comes with any beginning, endings.

I have been home. After a whole year away traversing the world, having adventures and such, it was time to go home. However time has been up to its natural process, change.
Home has changed, and perhaps more importantly -I have changed, I have grown,  perhaps more markedly this year more than any previous. I have grown into my own character, opinionated, strong, and admittedly flawed. (as is everyone...)  - While I have much to learn, I also have much to learn, and being at this peak where I can look both forward and backward is a special time.

Much of this week has been spent packing. Cleaning out my room. Getting rid of a TON of stuff, and also keeping a bunch of stuff I couldn't quite part with yet... I was asked if it bothered me, and while I truthfully answered "no" at the time, as I sit here amidst the boxes and blank walls I can't quite silence my pining heart.

For those who know me best,  they know that I love and cherish my space. I try to make it bright and spontaneous. As a child (and still today... *cough*) my room was rarely "clean" constantly a blur of collections, activities and the such. These walls have heard me scream, ponder aloud, cry and laugh. The mirror has reflected me growing faithfully through the years. And the lights have burned out more than once due to my insistence of making a basement room as bright as possible. It will never be the same, one cannot turn back the hands of time, and so one learns to press on.

It is so strange sitting here in the stillness. It feels wrong while simultaneously feeling right.

Endings, and beginnings. Its time. It has often been asked - When did you first feel like a man (or woman)?  Right now, at this moment, as I prepare to walk out of my room, get on a plane and leave for an unknown amount of time. This moment is when I am stepping out. Somehow inside, I really believe this is my knowledge of leaving childhood, and entering adulthood, my next chapter.

 I don't know where this story will go, but I will cherish the memories and lessons learned here in this room.

*ahem* - However, this entire week was not completely lost to packing. I made many special memories with the little siblings and my parents.

I painted Cherith' two big toe nails - probably shouldn't have (told you I was flawed) but it made for a great memory - seeing her pick out the light pink with sparkles, watching her eyes widen as the brush slipped on to her toe- she slightly started to panic till I laughed and gently wiped it off... :)

Going on a date with my dad, splitting a burrito at Qdoba and then getting some really good frozen yogurt. Discussing life, school, my amazing boyfriend - all very important topics ;) Then going to Walmart and just browsing - me in my electric wheel chair - him antagonizing me,  with a happy smile on his face as he would easily dodge away from relations in my chair...

Going to my moms work with her. being introduced a to a million people as "the 20 year old" being told we look alike (which has always been funny as we aren't blood related, but hey, I'm not complaining she's beautiful.) Visiting a two people in the hospital then going shopping, just trying on stuff, and talking about whatever happened to come up... it was nice, I don't think we have done that minus the lil ones for a long time...

Snowmobiling with Elizabeth, who really has very little fear. She kept on admonishing me to go faster, and informing me that she was holding on tight enough so it was fine if it went faster, however these pleas to speed up would be interpreted with a loud  "STOP! - you have to take a picture its pretty!" as we would catch a small glimpse of Coeur d'Alene Lake down below...

And Crawling around after and with Zion - He was the only one that I could almost keep up with all week. He wont remember this visit, but it was nice getting to really know him for the first time -  he sure does like the dog, who was my constant companion, so the three of us got along just fine...

Yeah its been a week of memories - beginnings and endings - I don't know where my life is going to take off to next - but as a pastor friend of mine once said - "While I don't know what the Future holds, I know Who holds the future"... He has been good - He too has heard me scream, ponder, cry and laugh. He has not only watched me grow, but been an active part of my growth, and He isn't done with me yet. I know He has a plan for me, and a purpose, and in time I know I will be looking back and seeing His hand active in it all. He has been so Good to me, and I Love Him, and can't wait to see where and what He has planned for me next... Its gonna be epic :)

But for now, I am still saying goodbye to a room full of memories. I'm stepping it up, moving on to new places, new spaces. When I was younger I always wanted to grow up, now that I'm actively doing it, I'm realizing its not all that I thought it would be. Its hard! But worth it. One day at a time, I will press on, I will learn just a little more each day, and I will win this race that has been set before me.

'Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better....
Because I knew you
I have been changed...
For good."

Endings N Beginnings

Well a year is soon to end - a new one to begin... I didn't make too good on my last years resolution (see the first post on this blog) but the good part is I did better than in 2011 on my blog posting :) My dad always says "the biggest room in the world is the Room For improvement" -and so I'll improve.

I guess that's really what New Years resolutions are all about - improvement. If I could improve instantly in any way, absolutely instantly, I'd choose to worry less.

I worry systematically, covering every ridiculous possibility and often centering on the worst option ever. I don't ever remember a time when I didn't worry, there was always something. But the real issues is, There always will be something.

While I can argue some good reasons for worrying (example: without considering various problems one can never consider any solutions)- I can also admit its a draining process, and does me more harm than help.

So long story short, I want to worry less. I'm not naive enough to say that I don't want to worry at all this next year, that really won't happen, but I want to worry less.

This year holds many unknowns- I don't know all the possible worrying opportunities but I want to improve so ill take it one day at a time.

Meanwhile I still plan on improving my blog writing - growing in God and working on relationships,(growing, repairing and making new)

Anyways, here's to a new year, new improvements and a continuing of life in general.