Study day.

Ha so today started off with Anna taking off to work way before the time I was even considering getting up, the problem is that the sun decided to break though the window at about the same time. Fail. I started mumbling to myself when I thought that she left the light on, until I realized that it was a light that wasn't going to be effected by a simple switch. Sooo I decided that devotions would be a better use of the sunshine and then carried on with my day...

Sundays are pretty much study days - thus the title for today, i managed to get about half of my HW done for Tuesday,  ideally tomorrow I can conquer the other half. :) But something interesting i did realize today was that as i was working on my IDAK test (a super inclusive / detailed Career test) I starting looking back at my answers and seeing the trends that are starting to form.  I don't Know what results will come back on this career test, but no matter what it says I should or should not do, I do know I have learned and reflected through the process. What are my principles? When held to a point, what is more important to me? At the end of the day, what is # 1 on my thoughts/goals. I know that the test says that there are no wrong answers but if there is no wrong, then is there anything that is right?
Anyways lots of pondering, and plenty of distractions to follow as I seem to have spent almost as much time analyzing my responses as I did actually Responding. 

But one of my "bird trails"  actually led to a sort of understanding. - I am not a volunteer  leader. If you come to a group lets say and I happen to be in it and ask "Oh can someone lead X Y Z or whatever" I probably will not answer until that awkward and uncomfortable silence comes, and when i am sure that there is no one else that WANTS to do it, I will go for it, but other wise I am very rarely the first one to volunteer in a group setting.  HOWEVER, if you come to me and say "hey I need help with X Y Z" I will do as much as I can to fill that need or find someone else who can help, and in special cases i can orchestrate/ lead a group of people to get a certain task done. But for some reason the only way I get compelled to do this is if it is conveyed to my mind that if I don't there is a high chance No one will. This odd perspective has definitely  effected the way I have gone about my life, if I feel needed, then as long as i have to be there I will be. This is good in some ways - as one person put it the other day I have serious amounts of loyalty or something like that. However as with any strong trait on this earth, there is a negative as well; doormat syndrome. Ever since I was young I have been told that I was just a doormat, by people who meant it as a way to propel me into something "better" but it seemed to have the opposite affect, for the longest time deep inside I seriously believe that that was all I was and ever would be.  Slowly I have come to a better understanding of boundaries and how they work, while still maintaining my loyalty ideals. Its an interesting journey and I know I am far from the end of it but the beautiful thing is knowing that God will use me whether I am a doormat or a door, just as long as I have a willing heart. 

There is a delicate balance of putting yourself last and not being a doormat and thinking of yourself first and not coming off as selfish, arrogant or bossy. We spend the majority of our lives attempting to perfect this balance.
— Cindy L. Teachey, “Building Lifelong Relationships” 1994