For Good.

This last week has been unique. Full of new beginnings and as always comes with any beginning, endings.

I have been home. After a whole year away traversing the world, having adventures and such, it was time to go home. However time has been up to its natural process, change.
Home has changed, and perhaps more importantly -I have changed, I have grown,  perhaps more markedly this year more than any previous. I have grown into my own character, opinionated, strong, and admittedly flawed. (as is everyone...)  - While I have much to learn, I also have much to learn, and being at this peak where I can look both forward and backward is a special time.

Much of this week has been spent packing. Cleaning out my room. Getting rid of a TON of stuff, and also keeping a bunch of stuff I couldn't quite part with yet... I was asked if it bothered me, and while I truthfully answered "no" at the time, as I sit here amidst the boxes and blank walls I can't quite silence my pining heart.

For those who know me best,  they know that I love and cherish my space. I try to make it bright and spontaneous. As a child (and still today... *cough*) my room was rarely "clean" constantly a blur of collections, activities and the such. These walls have heard me scream, ponder aloud, cry and laugh. The mirror has reflected me growing faithfully through the years. And the lights have burned out more than once due to my insistence of making a basement room as bright as possible. It will never be the same, one cannot turn back the hands of time, and so one learns to press on.

It is so strange sitting here in the stillness. It feels wrong while simultaneously feeling right.

Endings, and beginnings. Its time. It has often been asked - When did you first feel like a man (or woman)?  Right now, at this moment, as I prepare to walk out of my room, get on a plane and leave for an unknown amount of time. This moment is when I am stepping out. Somehow inside, I really believe this is my knowledge of leaving childhood, and entering adulthood, my next chapter.

 I don't know where this story will go, but I will cherish the memories and lessons learned here in this room.

*ahem* - However, this entire week was not completely lost to packing. I made many special memories with the little siblings and my parents.

I painted Cherith' two big toe nails - probably shouldn't have (told you I was flawed) but it made for a great memory - seeing her pick out the light pink with sparkles, watching her eyes widen as the brush slipped on to her toe- she slightly started to panic till I laughed and gently wiped it off... :)

Going on a date with my dad, splitting a burrito at Qdoba and then getting some really good frozen yogurt. Discussing life, school, my amazing boyfriend - all very important topics ;) Then going to Walmart and just browsing - me in my electric wheel chair - him antagonizing me,  with a happy smile on his face as he would easily dodge away from relations in my chair...

Going to my moms work with her. being introduced a to a million people as "the 20 year old" being told we look alike (which has always been funny as we aren't blood related, but hey, I'm not complaining she's beautiful.) Visiting a two people in the hospital then going shopping, just trying on stuff, and talking about whatever happened to come up... it was nice, I don't think we have done that minus the lil ones for a long time...

Snowmobiling with Elizabeth, who really has very little fear. She kept on admonishing me to go faster, and informing me that she was holding on tight enough so it was fine if it went faster, however these pleas to speed up would be interpreted with a loud  "STOP! - you have to take a picture its pretty!" as we would catch a small glimpse of Coeur d'Alene Lake down below...

And Crawling around after and with Zion - He was the only one that I could almost keep up with all week. He wont remember this visit, but it was nice getting to really know him for the first time -  he sure does like the dog, who was my constant companion, so the three of us got along just fine...

Yeah its been a week of memories - beginnings and endings - I don't know where my life is going to take off to next - but as a pastor friend of mine once said - "While I don't know what the Future holds, I know Who holds the future"... He has been good - He too has heard me scream, ponder, cry and laugh. He has not only watched me grow, but been an active part of my growth, and He isn't done with me yet. I know He has a plan for me, and a purpose, and in time I know I will be looking back and seeing His hand active in it all. He has been so Good to me, and I Love Him, and can't wait to see where and what He has planned for me next... Its gonna be epic :)

But for now, I am still saying goodbye to a room full of memories. I'm stepping it up, moving on to new places, new spaces. When I was younger I always wanted to grow up, now that I'm actively doing it, I'm realizing its not all that I thought it would be. Its hard! But worth it. One day at a time, I will press on, I will learn just a little more each day, and I will win this race that has been set before me.

'Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
I do believe I have been changed for the better....
Because I knew you
I have been changed...
For good."